Slow down!

You know how some people get a buzz or a high from caffeine ?

that’s what it feels like for me right now. My mind is just racing. My whole body feels like it’s on a high, I talk faster, work faster, walk and eat faster etc. I’ve had people ask me if I’ve had a coffee today- my answer is “No” – it’s borderline yet no one understands it or is even willing to try to understand it.

Even though my body is racing and on a high it’s like I don’t have the energy to explain to people how I feel or even how to do certain things at work. All I can say to them is “I’m stressed” that’s the easiest thing for me to say- as it covers a wide variety of emotions.

I feel that my body just gets too worked up or hyped up and I can’t stop, it’s like I need a weight to slow me down.

All I want right now is to be cuddled up on a couch on my comfy PJs watching a movie. Calming my body and mind down, telling myself that whatever is going on for me right now is all going to be ok.

My body and mind feel like a natural disaster has just happened and you have all the aftermath of the disaster to clean up, e.g. walking into a town after a flood- stuff scattered everywhere, not knowing where to start to clean. That’s exactly how my mind and body feels – it all feels scattered and mis placed, messy. It’s like I don’t know how to start cleaning up, start sorting the thoughts or feelings, start to slow everything down.

I then get a fast fluttering feeling in my chest- like high anxiety but also like I need to move and keep moving. When I’m like this it’s like I need to keep moving my body, even if it’s just my fingers or toes.

Other people trigger me even more, cause me to find it harder to slow everything down. It rises my high, makes it worse! Makes everything feel faster, fast paced.

Can someone just hold me down and calm me down, help me learn to breathe again. Be there with me while I’m on my high, help me slow it all down. Even if it’s for a bit. Help me be in the present, acknowledging my surroundings, focusing on the things I can hear, smell, touch, taste and see. Focus on those 5 senses. Bring me back from my high.

And yes, after my high I’ll have a low, I’ll be tired, angry or even anxious. Let me be, but also be with me. Hold me, soothe me, keep me from falling down lower. Keep me present. Once Ive slowed down, maybe just maybe will I be ready to discuss how I feel, maybe even vent. Just let me do it and don’t say anything until I’m done.



Reach Out ~ SI (Self Injury)



May contain triggering content. Please be cautious when reading if easily triggered.

For the last couple of days I have been trying to collect my thoughts so I could put it all into this blog. It hasn’t been easy, that’s all I can say as this week marks 8 years since I started self harming.  This week has risen many thoughts, feelings and flashbacks and I just needed to release it in a healthy way.

High school years are supposed to be some of the best years of your life/schooling life. Making friends, having fun, going out, learning to drive, just generally enjoying life etc. For me this wasn’t the case, high school was some of my worst years of my life/schooling life. I won’t lie, I had fun, laughs, made friends and enjoyed school but all that suddenly changed when I resorted to Self Harm. There are different types of self harm as some of you may or may not know, cutting was the one that seemed to stick with me. One the loved me too much to leave.

I will never forget the day I made that first mark on my skin. I was alone and desperate. Desperate for a release. I will never remember what put the thought into my head in the first place or when the first inkling of a thought arose in my mind. All I remember is – that it was just there – one second the thought was there and the next I had a sharp object to my wrist. (Honestly didn’t think this blog would be so hard to write.)

The day after I had injured myself for the first time, I remember reaching out to a teacher at school. I didn’t know what else to do, my head was a mess and I just wanted comfort. I promised that I would never hurt myself again, that it was a mistake. 2 weeks later, I relapsed- went from 1 cut to 2-3 cuts. During Year 8 I was bullied and transitioning from primary school to high school was a massive hurdle for me. Most of my friends went to different schools so I was left to make new friends all over again. Maybe that’s what started the thoughts? I wish I could remember. As the years went on, memories came back to me  from my childhood as well as dealing with the present issues/problems. It all got too much, too overwhelming. I can’t remember when the cutting got out of control, I can’t remember what triggered it. What still kills me to this day is that I went from 1-2 cuts to 600+ cuts in such a short amount of time. Covering my legs, arms, stomach – it even got to the point where I ran out of space so I had to find other places to injure. Ankles, hands, underneath boobs, pelvic area- it kills me writing this knowing I let it get so out of control that it took me years to realise I needed help.

I remember in the beginning when I had 1 or 2 cuts that I didn’t care if people saw it, I just wanted someone to ask if I was okay, I wanted someone to just help but I didn’t know how to approach the whole REACHING OUT situation. It’s when the cutting became intense and dangerous that I began to cover up, not let any of it show. I’ll tell you now, wearing long sleeves in 40 degree heat was a killer.

I’ll never forget a girl once said to me that I didn’t cut myself properly, that I had to use a different cutting implement and do it a different way to classify myself as a “cutter”. It cut deep, tore me apart to hear that a so call friend thought like this when I was struggling. When all I needed was support and comfort.

When people started finding out about my self harm I would often get asked ” Does it hurt?’ In the beginning my answer was yes. “Why do you do it to yourself”? In the beginning my answer was ” I don’t know, I need a release.” As time went on it all began to change, I no longer felt the physical pain from self harm – this resulted in deeper cuts which scarred badly, took ages to heal or became in infected. My answer to “Why do you do it to yourself” went from “I need a release” to “I deserve it”. A paper cut would hurt more than ripping my skin open. It was the sight of blood that helped me cope, It was like seeing the blood helped me see that I was still alive. The release was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, like I could breathe easy for a little bit. Finally, I can sleep calmly tonight, my  mind can shut down for a bit. This is how it felt for me, once I opened my skin it felt like all my thoughts were gone for a split second, and it was the split second that kept me coming back to self harm. I just was so desperate for peace and quiet and control. I felt like I couldn’t control any other aspects of my life so I had to try and control my thoughts and feelings for a little bit.

The amount of blood I lost, I honestly don’t know how I’m still here today. I know some of my injuries needed medical attention, I was just too scared to speak up, too scared to end up in hospital – too scared to be called crazy. Losing so much blood that you go light headed, hand goes purple/blue and you’re super pale and weak the next day. Could hardly walk properly because your leg was so weak – I won’t lie – this scared the absolute crap out of me – yet I kept doing it. I was addicted- I never wanted to admit it  but I was. I used to log every time I injured myself, how bad it was and how many cuts. I used to take pictures, cut words and phrases into my legs. I used to have a necklace with cutting implements around it that I would take places so I always had my security blanket with me (that’s what I saw cutting as, a security blanket) I knew that as long as I had my cutting implements with me that I was okay. I would be able to cope (even though self harming wasn’t coping.) I used to self harm during classes at school, lunchtimes and before school. I used to go to the bathroom and just zone out from everything. That was the most dangerous part – zoning out while self injuring – when you come back to, all you see is blood dripping from you and you finally realised what you have done and you frantically do everything you can to stop the bleeding.

I was once told by an Ex that I was possessed because I did that to myself. I had an ex break up with me because of self harm – I hadn’t self harmed while dating him yet he wanted to use my weakness as an excuse to end it with me. I have always been cautious when meeting new people, not knowing whether they’ll like me with scars, what they’ll think of me or if they will stick around. Cutting not only hurt me but it hurt the ones around me as well which was the hardest. I’d need a release and in that moment all I could think about was how good it would feel to relapse, I didn’t think how it would affect the ones around me- that’s half the reason I kept it a secret for so long, so I didn’t have to unintentionally upset/hurt the ones around me.

It’s the urges that make recovery the hardest. I tried going cold turkey once and man that was hell. I had these expectations and when I didn’t meet them I would feel like I failed. People say relapsing is a part of recovery. I wish it wasn’t. I wish it was as easy as baking a cake. Follow instructions and the end result is achieved in no time. These last few weeks/month haven’t been easy with urges. Working two jobs, getting no time to myself, time with boyfriend or with family/pets has affected me more than I thought. Even writing this tonight the urges came and it was an ass to ride the urges out but I did it. On the 28th November it will be 1 year that I’ve been clean for. This time last year it was close to my 1 year clean but I relapsed due to the memories, flashbacks and thoughts and feelings associated with SI and the 1 year anniversary. That is why this year is also hard because I know I relapsed this same time last year due to the same reason.

All I have ever wanted to be was a role model my little sister could look up to. I felt like I failed as being her sister as soon as I started cutting. Never would I want her to go through this- I was so scared and self conscious about her seeing my scars, let alone my cuts. I know there were times where I had self harmed and I reached out to her and told her and we used to lie together in bed – just for comfort and support. I never wanted her to have to deal with that. Never in a million years. If you’re reading this sister – I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I’M SORRY. Same for you MUM< sorry for putting you both through this. I thank you both so much for helping me keep my head above the water – without you both, I wouldn’t be here today xoxo

To this day the scars and the memories behind the scars still remain and I’m okay with that. I can look at some particular scars and know exactly why I did that particular scar. Anyone out there who is struggling with SI or is considering it I AM HERE. Please Please Please – I beg you, not to start SI. It’s not worth it, it consumes your life, your body, your mental, physical and emotional well being as well. It makes life and many other things seem distorted. You don’t want to live with physical scars for the rest of your life. No matter how hard you try and recover and move on from it they will always be in your face reminding you (My biggest struggle still to this day). Self harm is still in the back of my mind when things get tough (just like any addiction- it’ll always be there as a coping mechanism) but I have learnt to release my feelings and thoughts in healthier more productive ways- gym, writing, spending time with family/pets/boyfriend, watching Netflix etc. All I have ever wanted was smooth, scar free skin. Be able to wear shorts without my ugly scars on show for everyone to see. I don’t want to have kids and one day they ask me what they are. I don’t want to tell them I used to cut myself because of how I felt. I don’t want to give them that idea. I don’t want people to look at me and see the scars and be afraid of what to say to me or cautious on how they treat me. I AM STILL HUMAN…

Anyone out there who is on the path to recovery or wants to recover from this illness – I support you and am here with you along the way. 2 1/2 weeks until I am 1 year clean – lets hope I can make it this year. Recovery is possible.

SI isn’t easy, but remember you are not alone. You are loved, worthy and special. I love you, god loves you and a million other people out there that also love you whether you believe it or not. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy – reach out, speak out and ask for help. We are all human and we all need a little help sometimes.



Take care and stay strong


Living with Borderline Personality

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not just all in your head, it’s not just a mind thing. It’s a real disorder that affects how one lives their life.

For years I knew there was something different with me, with my emotions and how I dealt with things. When I felt emotions I felt them very strongly and intensely. I would react in ways others wouldn’t and take things quite personally.  I always had two sides of thinking (Black or White) no in between. When I was happy I was euphoric and when I was sad I was extremely low, so low that I didn’t care what happened to me which caused me to go on a destructive path with boys and sex. That can be a blog for another day.

Some days it affects me more than others to such extent that I can’t get out of bed, get changed or even brush my hair or teeth. There are times I even have to call in sick to work  because I can’t physically or emotionally handle/cope with work. It’s not only the lows that make me mentally and physically exhausted it’s also the highs. It’s switching between the highs and lows so many times in such a short amount of time. It’s feeling incredibly euphoric and insanely excited that drains me and then quickly switching to feeling pathetic, low, suicidal and relapsing that makes you bed ridden and which causes you to then isolate yourself. Some of the good or bad days can result in impulsiveness which then stresses me out even more because I spend money that I shouldn’t spend. It’s just a vicious cycle which is so unpredictable.

I am the type of person who likes to be productive on my days off work. I like being active and getting things done, feeling accomplished so when I switch and have quite bad days I then feel pathetic and low because all I’ve done in my day was binge watch Netflix in bed and only moved from my bed to go to the toilet. Each day I have these expectations I like to meet and things I like to get done so when they aren’t met or the tasks aren’t completed I feel even worse. My therapist has told me to not be so hard on myself and when I have my bad days/times to take it easy, pamper myself and look after myself. I’m still learning and each time I see her she gives me more positive things and strategies to focus on.

I like to see Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness and not who I am.

Last night I spoke to a lady on E-Headspace – if you don’t know what e-headspace is, it is a website for people with depression and anxiety and they also have an online chat room. I was talking to this lady about how I was having a bad day with Borderline and needed some tips on how to find motivation and energy to do things such as getting out of bed. She mentioned to me about trying to get creative and externalise the disorder and to explain what the disorder looks like, e.g. colour, size, shape etc. I had never thought of it like that before. I found externalising it and expressing how the disorder looked to me actually helped me make more sense of it.

I identified the disorder as a “he”. He only has 2 colours, grey and black. He is always with me but when he is black it means he is awake and angry, when he is grey it means he is tired and sleeping. He is mainly in the middle of me or all over me but there are times when he is in the corner of the room watching. I’ve never really been able to identify or express what the disorder looks like or the position of the disorder. Today I have been able to identify that he is behind me, like there is a feeling in my body that he is approaching or wanting to come out. He wants to upset or hurt me today but the problem is I don’t know when or how.


If any of you are suffering from this disorder/illness. YOU ARE STRONG. You can get past this and you are worthy of so much.

Stay Strong


Coping with Anxiety

Anxiety affects 1.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.

Do you know what it feels like to be feeling good about everything and feeling like you don’t have a care in the world and then out of no where you get a burst of anxiety? The feeling of confusion as to not knowing where the anxiety came from, what triggered it or why you feel that way.

I haven’t really been eating healthy or going to the gym these last 1 1/2 months so my anxiety likes to stress me out or make me think bad things. For example, tonight I was lying on my sisters bed with my sister watching YouTube videos when all of a sudden a burst of anxiety went over me, it lingered for a little bit then disappeared. The anxiety made me worry that I was going to die tonight because I haven’t been eating healthy or going the gym lately which then went into me thinking that I’ll never get to see any of my family or friends ever again. I don’t know what made it disappear/go away but it just did and I went back to feeling good again.

I suffer from anxiety on a day to day basis but over the years I have learnt strategies to cope in situations where my anxiety might be heightened. What I struggle with though is the sudden bursts of anxiety. The anxiety that hits so suddenly, so strongly and you have no idea where it came from, what triggered it or why you are feeling that way. I could be enjoying myself with friends or family, watching a movie or even working and all of a sudden the anxiety overwhelms me and takes over. My thoughts start racing, stomach starts churning, throat goes dry, palms get clammy, heart starts racing and I sometimes get hot flushes. When I feel this way I used to never know how to cope with these feelings, how to calm my body and thoughts, how to settle the mind and relax, unwind.

I’ve read many articles, stories and watched many videos on anxiety and how to cope with the feelings or thoughts of anxiety. I’ve linked some of the websites below that I used when I was first learning and getting grips on understanding anxiety and finding ways to cope with anxiety. Each person is different which means some strategies might work for some and might not work for others. It’s just about finding which strategies work best for you and which ones you are willing to try.

I’ve found some strategies on my own that have helped me with the anxiety. Some of them are pretty simple and then others are more of an effort but they all help me.

  • Cuddling a soft toy 
  • Cuddling or spending time with pets 
  • Taking dogs for a walk 
  • Watching a movie or favourite TV show
  • Going for a drive where there is a beach or a forest/bush
  • Taking a warm shower
  • Pampering myself e.g. painting nails, face mask, fake tanning, shaving etc. 
  • Using a difuser with an oil which smells relaxing/calming to you
  • Touching/playing with objects which you can squish or run your fingers through e.g. fur, blue tack, stress ball, kinetic sand etc. 

These are some of the strategies that I have come across on my own which I found have helped me. There are many apps that you can get for your phone that are also quite helpful. Some of these include:

  • Calm
  • WorryTime
  • Breathe 
  • Daylio

I also highly recommend, if you don’t already have one, investing in a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Studies say that the Himalayan Salt Lamp reduces stress, helps relieve anxiety, removes moisture in the air and rids the room of the bad ions and replaces it with the good ions. I never believed any of this and didn’t know how a single lamp could possibly do this or have so many benefits. It was only until I got one for my birthday a few years ago that I could actually recommend it to people and tell them that it actually works. As I said before I have had this lamp for a few years now and I have it on every single night, all night. My room feels more soothing, calming and more of a happy place to be in. I find it’s warm light sends of a relaxing feeling which is really good for anxiety. It’s hard to explain exactly how it feels to have one in my room but you will know what I mean if you have one or if you invest in one.

I know things might seem hard at the moment and the anxiety may get overwhelming but it does get easier with the right help, support and strategies you can overcome anything.


Stay Strong


Not just a MOODY GIRL!!!

It’s just PMS they say, it’s just a bad day, stop being such a moody girl.

Can you imagine going through a thousand emotions within a matter of minutes?

Experiencing a new mood a hundred times a day?

Waking up each morning wondering how will you treat people today, what emotions you might feel, whether or not you’ll be able to keep it together or not or able to handle work or being around other people.

Will you feel hate towards the people you love today or will you feel love and compassion towards them?

Will the emotions get too much and will you relapse?

The list goes on and on of the numerous things that run through my head before getting out of bed in the morning or even before going to sleep at night. This is more than a bad day, more than a moody girl and more than a girl suffering from PMS. This is reality for me every single day.

I go through a thousand moods, emotions and feelings in one day. Some of these moods can happen within the matter of seconds or minutes which often leaves me feeling isolated and confused. I have no control over when these mood changes happen, how severe they will be and sometimes I don’t even know why they happen. Most times there is a trigger that causes the rapid change but other times it can happen for no apparent reason or I just can’t recognise a trigger.

I’ve been dating a guy for just under a month and throughout that month I have gone through many stages where I’ve considered ending it with him. I can barely hold myself up when I am like this so how can I hold him up or how can anyone be satisfied with me. I don’t know how to deal with this. There are days where I feel I am the only one putting in effort and then there are other days where I physically and emotionally have no energy to put any effort into the relationship. When I feel good I have no bad feeling about my relationship but when I split/change I feel like I just can’t keep doing it. I want to have a long lasting relationship but how can I when I am constantly feeling this way, constantly changing between moods.

Does anyone else cancel plans with friends, family or even partners just so you can avoid feeling strong emotions while with them? Worried that hanging out with them something might happen to trigger you off and then once again you won’t know how to deal with those feelings. It’s easier to shut yourself off from people and stay at home then have to deal with the constant mood changes, constant strong emotions and constant questioning from others. It’s easier when only you have  to deal with it, when you can just push it all aside and watch your favourite Netflix series instead of feeling each emotion you have. When someone says to you ” Do you want to hang today, what do you want to do?” – the most dreaded question.

How is that the most dreaded question you may ask. Well, you don’t know what moods or emotions you’ll feel today, you don’t know how often it will all change. One minute you feel good about catching up and then just like that it all comes crashing down and you don’t even want to hang out or do anything. You just stay at home to prevent anyone else from dealing with this cycle. I often ask myself – is it even a cycle? What is this?

I can read article after article, watch video after video and I still struggle to understand why this happens, why so regularly, how to identify triggers, how to stop it/prevent it from happening. People ask me so many things about this illness that I don’t understand myself. I don’t understand why, how or what so please don’t expect me to be able to explain it all to you. I’m too embarrassed to even tell a doctor about this let alone my own therapist.


Keep Fighting




Love _ Hate

Have you ever had a love hate relationship with someone or felt like you have had one?

Have you ever liked someone and then out of nowhere it changes to not wanting to have them around you?

What about this – one day you feel something strong towards someone and then the next day you don’t. You feel nothing towards them, no love, no hate, just pure nothingness. It’s even a bit like you don’t even know them, they are just a stranger to you. Someone who you used to know.

Not too long ago I was scrolling through Facebook and stumbled across a quote in which I fell in love with immediately. It explains relationships for me so clearly, not only romantic relationships but also friendships.

” I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m not sure if I’m capable of truly loving someone the way emotionally healthy people do. I eventually outgrow the love I feel towards someone and move on.”

This particular quote focuses on romantic relationships rather than day to day friendships you may make at work, school or uni etc. I’ve always seemed to struggle with maintaining friendships/relationships well long lasting ones anyway. All of my romantic relationships only lasted a few weeks to a few months, nothing more. I was either cheated on, used and abused or I just got too much.

What I don’t understand is that I feel so strongly. No matter what emotion or feeling I get I feel it so intensely it can be overwhelming. I don’t understand how one day I can say to someone I think I’m falling for you and mean every word and feeling of it and then the next day just completely feel the opposite. Feel like I have no connection to them what so ever. How can one person feel so many emotions in such a short time and why so intensely?

These last few days I have noticed I have been quite angry/agitated. I don’t know why or what causes it. Feeling so angry/agitated just makes me annoyed at every person I come across, whether it’s customers at work, randoms walking down the street or even friends. I try so hard to make sense of it all but it’s just a waste.

Does anyone go from wanting to be in a long term relationship with the person they are with to wanting to be single again?

I feel like being single will always be a better option for me. No one to have to explain myself to but most of all no one will have to deal with this side of me. The constant mood changes/splits, the constant LOVE/HATE relationship I feel, the constant outbursts of anger in which I have no idea what triggered it. The constant urges to self harm and not care what happens to me, the constant self hate of what I’ve done in the past, how I treated myself and how I saw myself.

No one really seems to understand that I am a handful. That I am difficult to understand. That I struggle to express, struggle to trust, struggle to love. I just wish people put in more of an effort to really understand and know me instead of assuming or getting angry at me.

Tonight I sat and had a little cry to my family about the relationship I am in and how much BPD is affecting how I feel towards it. People just don’t seem to understand that it’s not them that is causing this, it’s not their actions, what they might or might not be doing, if they have said or done something wrong. It’s a mental illness which is very complex and hard to understand. I’m still learning about it even though I live with it every day.

All I want is a bit of stability in my life. A little bit of control around my emotions and feelings.


Forgive me.

Forgiving is a very important part of life. I’ve never really found it hard to forgive myself for things I have done or mistakes I have made because it’s reality and it’s just apart of life. However, things have happened these last several months which I am finding extremely hard to forgive myself for.

I often sit and wonder – will my body every forgive me? Will I ever forgive myself for what I did to my body?

I’ve put my body through hell and it never deserved it. It’s been through more than any body should ever have to go through. Will I ever forgive myself for letting it go through all that? For allowing people to hurt me physically and even when my body had reached it’s limit, I never stopped it.

How can someone lose all self love, self respect and self worth so quickly? But most of all how can someone get all of that back? How does one recover from something like this?

I often wonder – How can anyone love me when I didn’t even love myself? When I allowed my body to go through hell and back in such a short time. It was like I didn’t even care. I didn’t care what happened to me or my body. I didn’t care how people treated me or if they respected me.

Even to this day I hate myself still for allowing all this to happen. Allowing my body to be tortured and then not caring or believing what others were telling me. “It’s abuse,” “You don’t deserve this,” “Please Stop.” It just turned into a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to stop. It was just another release for me, the same feeling cutting gave me.

And then one day this guy went too far. I was scared shitless and thought I was going to die. That’s when I realised I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to be hated or to hate myself so much. I deserved to have self love, self worth and self respect. I deserved to recover, have happiness and love in my life.

As soon as anything good happened in my life I felt I didn’t deserve it, wasn’t worthy of it and I would do anything I sabotage it because at the time I believed I didn’t deserve it. People would often say to me “If this was your sister doing this or your friend it was happening to, what would you say to them?”

I remember saying to them that I would tell them it was abuse, that they deserved more. The problem was I had double standards, I knew no one deserves it but for some odd reason I believed I did. To this day it still puzzles me as to why I thought that way and acted that way. To this day I still struggle to forgive myself for not only what I was doing to myself but what I was doing to the ones around me, the ones I love.

All I can say is – I’m still recovering, it’s going to be a long tough road ahead but I am willing to stick it out and get better. Each and every one of you are strong, worthy of so much and can do anything you set your mind to.


Keep smiling

xo Woundsheal96


Thinking Thoughts…

Have you ever wanted something so badly but too afraid when it finds you? Do you ever just wish you could get your mind to stop spinning, stop thinking, just to be quiet? One minute you’re crying and then “BAM” within a few seconds you’re fine, you’re calm.

When you’re doing so well and then something triggers you and you just go back to square one. Back to the same old habits, losing people once again. When you hate the person you have become but are finding it extremely hard trying to change.

You want to move forward in your life but something is holding you back, pulling you back to where you started. Making you go through it all again before letting you get back on your feet just to pull you right back again to start over.

When you lost all self love, self respect and self care for yourself. When you want to find it again and to become a better person but have no idea where to find it or how to find it.

When you aren’t used to someone treating you with love and respect but when they do and you’re happy, you manage to sabotage it and ruin it all.

When you are trying so hard to change but seem to have no support around you when you slip up.

When you thought meeting people and trying to recover is what would be best for you, when people just make you feel like such a bad person.

When people say you are a player and just like the others when really no one knows me. Someone said to me that you would know if you were playing someone because it’s intentional. Unfortunately I’m not that type of person.


Where’s the FAITH?

Fight like a girl…

I am currently in the middle of reading the novel “Fight Like a Girl” by Clementine Ford. I have never really heard much about feminism and how empowering feminism can be. I never knew that a book could be so life changing and how good a book could make you feel.


Feminism is something that is rarely spoken about and the subject is sadly becoming taboo. Clementine covers so many subjects that so many women struggle with or have struggled with. She lets out her emotions, thoughts and feelings in this book which makes it all the more interesting and empowering to read. She covers subjects such as men, how women live in the kitchen, abortions and much more.

While reading this book  I have experienced many different emotions, thoughts and flashbacks to many of the things that have happened in my life or things I have or currently am dealing with.

There are certain subjects that Clementine covers in this book that hits harder for me than others. The anger she presents/portrays in this book is so relatable. Her anger towards men and the way they treat women really makes my blood boil. So many men have this belief that women belong in the kitchen. They are the ones to stay home and clean the house, look after the children and cook the food while the man goes to work and earns the income. It’s simple comments like “you belong in the kitchen,” or “go make me a sandwich” that men direct toward women that can have more of an impact on them than they realise.

Clementine talks about hair removal and the way men expect their “girl” or “woman” to look. For example, clean shaven, sexy lingerie, only wear certain colours etc. I have come across a number of guys that have been very particular or strict per say  on how I was to look or dress. I was told I have to be clean shaven otherwise I would get punished in ways no one should ever get punished. Why is it that it seems to be okay for men to have so much judgement on women? Why is it okay for men to tell us women how we should look or telling us to get hair removal? Women are human as well and as a human it is natural for us to have hair on our legs, genitals, under our arms, on our arms etc., so why oh why do men think it’s okay to tell us to remove it all? So what if a girl didn’t shave her legs one week or if she didn’t shave under her arms. It irritates me when men think it’s okay to tell a girl she is like a bear “down there” or her legs are too hairy. What if a girl feels more confident with hair on her genitals than she does without it? Men need to cut women some slack and love them for who they are.

When women fall pregnant, it is up to the woman and the woman only what she does with that baby. No one and I mean no one has the right to tell her what she should or shouldn’t do with that baby. No man should tell a woman that they have to abort it. It is her body, her baby, her life and she has the right to choose what is best for her and her life. People abort for so many different reasons – ask women who have aborted and I promise each of them will have a different story or reason why they chose to. Clementine mentions in her book that she has had a few abortions and why. Like she says in the book- women have the right to have control over their lives and what they choose to do with their bodies. 

There is one part of Clementine’s book that really hits hard and deep for me. Find this passage below~

How can men possibly hope to change the world in all ways that women need when half the time they don’t even realise we’re living on two different planes of the same dimension? We are the only ones equipped to lead the feminist fight because we are in possession of knowledge that can only be gleaned from experience. Surrendering control of our liberation to the same men who benefit from us being denied it isn’t just a dangerous exercise in irony – it’s a guaranteed way to ensure nothing truly changes.

Women are being killed on a weekly basis by men who hate them so much but want desperately to control them. We’re raped, violated, abused, pushed around, undermined, ridiculed, mocked, beaten, bullied and degraded. And to make matters worse, we’re told that our complaints about these things are overwrought, hysterical and defamatory. “Suck it up, princess, the world isn’t fair. Get over it, it’s just a joke. A good cock up ya will sort you out.” 

And still they ask : Why do you hate men?

This part of Clementine’s book really hits hard and deep for me. It really gets me thinking and brings out many different emotions and feelings for me.

More of us women need to be aware of feminism, the effects it can have on other women and how empowering and inspiring it is for others as well. I know by just reading this book, I don’t feel so alone in certain aspects of my life because I feel Clementine is there with me, walking this journey and knows what it’s all about. Women have the right to be how they want to be. If you want to let your leg hairs grow – THEN DO IT! You don’t want to shave your genitals – THEN DON’T! Women don’t have to be feminine all the time- we are human. As women we deserve to be able to slouch around in our PJ’S all day, messy unwashed hair, hairy legs, under arms, genitals or even not shower all day until you feel like it. We deserve to be able to eat what we wish without being ridiculed, judged or called names because of it.


This book has made me want to make a stand for feminism. EACH WOMAN DESERVES IT INCLUDING ME! Stand up for yourselves and know you are worth it.

Stay Strong




Baby Steps

Everything in life takes time and patience, perseverance and strength. Change only happens when you want it. What you allow is what will continue.

2 weeks ago I went back to my therapist after the Christmas season break. There were some things that were super hard to discuss with her but I know it was all for the best. Even before seeing her I knew I had to change my life, change the things I was doing and change who I was becoming.

The problem was that I didn’t know how to change, what steps I had to begin to take to make a change. Quite a few months ago I quit my gym membership as I wasn’t going as often as I had liked and I was just paying for it and not actually using the facilities available. By quitting my membership it just made things go downhill even quicker. I wasn’t getting any physical activity or doing anything positive for myself or my body. It was only at the beginning of the new year that I decided 2017 would be my year to get fit, healthy and get the body I had dreamed of for so long. I joined a new gym but unfortunately that didn’t help my motivation levels. Since suffering from mental health issues my motivation for things have never been great but I used to put in effort to change all of that. Over 6 months ago when my life was going down a very messy and destructive path I had no motivation to even try to help myself so it just got worse. It’s when I went back to my therapist after the Christmas break that things seemed a little brighter.

I told my therapist my body goals and how I wanted to get back into the routine of going to the gym a couple times a week and told her how I had failed to do so. In the new year I set myself goals by telling myself I would go to the gym every day of the working week for an hour but I just failed miserably. My therapist said that I had to set goals for myself that were achievable because by telling myself I would go to the gym every day of the week was unrealistic as when I missed a day of gym I would feel shit and then I would feel unmotivated to go again that same week and the cycle would start all over again. My therapist wrote down a list of things that were the “B” (Behavioural) in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). She wrote a list of pleasant things that would give me pleasant feelings and one of those things was to go to the gym 2 times a week for 30minutes. By having a small goal to reach such as gym 2 times a week it has made me feel like it’s something that I can easily achieve.

This week I managed to go to the gym twice and I ended up doing a workout for an hour each time which obviously made me feel more accomplished and motivated to do it all again next week. It’s all about baby steps, and taking things slowly until you reach your goal. By setting yourself up with unrealistic goals/tasks it can make you feel pathetic, weak and like you are never going to reach where you want to be. Taking things slow, and taking baby steps doesn’t mean you are weak or pathetic, it just means you are taking things at your own pace to feeling accomplished by achieving your goals. Starting off might seem like you are walking along a beach and your footprints just get washed away by the sea and you have to start all over again. But the more you keep going and pushing harder each time, your footprints become permanent.

REMEMBER – It’s baby steps to success 🙂

Stay Strong