Living with Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not just all in your head, it’s not just a mind thing. It’s a real disorder that affects how one lives their life.
For years I knew there was something different with me, with my emotions and how I dealt with things. When I felt emotions I felt them very strongly and intensely. I would react in ways others wouldn’t and take things quite personally. I always had two sides of thinking (Black or White) no in between. When I was happy I was euphoric and when I was sad I was extremely low, so low that I didn’t care what happened to me which caused me to go on a destructive path with boys and sex. That can be a blog for another day.
Some days it affects me more than others to such extent that I can’t get out of bed, get changed or even brush my hair or teeth. There are times I even have to call in sick to work because I can’t physically or emotionally handle/cope with work. It’s not only the lows that make me mentally and physically exhausted it’s also the highs. It’s switching between the highs and lows so many times in such a short amount of time. It’s feeling incredibly euphoric and insanely excited that drains me and then quickly switching to feeling pathetic, low, suicidal and relapsing that makes you bed ridden and which causes you to then isolate yourself. Some of the good or bad days can result in impulsiveness which then stresses me out even more because I spend money that I shouldn’t spend. It’s just a vicious cycle which is so unpredictable.
I am the type of person who likes to be productive on my days off work. I like being active and getting things done, feeling accomplished so when I switch and have quite bad days I then feel pathetic and low because all I’ve done in my day was binge watch Netflix in bed and only moved from my bed to go to the toilet. Each day I have these expectations I like to meet and things I like to get done so when they aren’t met or the tasks aren’t completed I feel even worse. My therapist has told me to not be so hard on myself and when I have my bad days/times to take it easy, pamper myself and look after myself. I’m still learning and each time I see her she gives me more positive things and strategies to focus on.
I like to see Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness and not who I am.
Last night I spoke to a lady on E-Headspace – if you don’t know what e-headspace is, it is a website for people with depression and anxiety and they also have an online chat room. I was talking to this lady about how I was having a bad day with Borderline and needed some tips on how to find motivation and energy to do things such as getting out of bed. She mentioned to me about trying to get creative and externalise the disorder and to explain what the disorder looks like, e.g. colour, size, shape etc. I had never thought of it like that before. I found externalising it and expressing how the disorder looked to me actually helped me make more sense of it.
I identified the disorder as a “he”. He only has 2 colours, grey and black. He is always with me but when he is black it means he is awake and angry, when he is grey it means he is tired and sleeping. He is mainly in the middle of me or all over me but there are times when he is in the corner of the room watching. I’ve never really been able to identify or express what the disorder looks like or the position of the disorder. Today I have been able to identify that he is behind me, like there is a feeling in my body that he is approaching or wanting to come out. He wants to upset or hurt me today but the problem is I don’t know when or how.
If any of you are suffering from this disorder/illness. YOU ARE STRONG. You can get past this and you are worthy of so much.