Expressing

Many people know how to express themselves physically, emotionally and verbally. Many people have healthy ways of doing this but this is something I struggle with a lot. My whole life I have been the type of person to bottle things up, not let anyone in and to do it on my own. It’s only been over the past couple weeks that I have began to open up and let people in. It hasn’t been easy -that’s all I can say and often I feel that it’s easier when only I know and only I have to deal with it but 99.9% of the time I am wrong.

Often when asked what’s going through my head, what I’m feeling or thinking I just freeze. I know what I want to say but I cannot put it into words. I find music and writing are the only things that help me get out what is inside my head.

Relationships haven’t been my strong point in my life. I’ve never had a serious relationship and my longest relationship was just under 7 months. All of my relationships have been abusive in some form or another so I have never experienced a positive, long lasting serious relationship. I hope one day I get to experience a positive, long lasting relationship.

My head is constantly racing which makes it 10x harder to express myself. There are often times where writing doesn’t even help me release what is going on inside me. I often get to a point where I just give up on trying to express my thoughts and feelings. I feel that sometimes it’s easier for me to keep it to myself.

Even writing this post is extremely hard for me because I am trying to find the right words to put into sentences that makes sense about what is going on in my head. I just want to be able to say it out loud how I feel and my thoughts. I hope one day I can do it because I can’t write it for the rest of my life..

xoWoundsHeal96

 

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By the Grace of God

If one knows me well enough, they will know that Katy Perry is my idol, my life saver. For years I have absolutely loved her and her songs but it wasn’t until I was at my worst that she actually had a huge impact on my life.

Katy has a song called “By the Grace of God” – if one reads the lyrics carefully they will see that the song is around suicide and love and letting god help her rise above it. This song has a an enormous impact and meaning to me and my life. Her songs got me through many of my lowest times but this song especially “By the Grace of God” is the reason why I am still breathing today.

There is one night in particular that I remember quite clearly where I first discovered this song. I was in a dark, dark place,  I was in my bathroom at home and I couldn’t see the light. I had a blade in my hand and you can only imagine what comes next. I had my I-pod on shuffle and Katy’s song came on and it stopped me in my tracks. I dropped the blade, fell to my knees and just broke down. I listened to Katy’s song on repeat until I felt I could go to bed and sleep peacefully for the night.

So now when I am going through a rough time, feel there is no other way out I will listen to her song and it gives me that hope I need. Not only is it her songs that get my through, its also her one on one interviews talking about her personal life and experiences.

Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor

By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay

These lines of her song really hits deep as I can relate to them so much. Looking in the mirror was one of the hardest things to do- especially when I felt this low. So many times I just wanted to break the glass I was looking into and use the remaining glass to end it all.

I’m not afraid to say that I still struggle with these kinds of thoughts. Yes there are times I could easily act on them but I just have to remind myself that I have gotten through it before and I will get through it again.

For anyone who is struggling. Keep going and stay strong. It’s okay to say you are not ok. I am here for you.

xoWoundsHeal96

Failure 

How can one person show how sorry they are to another person? When one person feels they love another person- isn’t that enough – telling them you love them. It feels as though whenever something good happens in my life I always tend to push it away and fuck it up. 

My problem is that for so long I have been treated badly and haven’t known any better so when someone shows me the right way to be treated I think I don’t deserve it and end up doing something to ruin it completely then hate myself even more. 

I met a guy about 2 weeks ago and honestly those 2 weeks have been the best of my life and I feel I have ruined it all. I cannot begin to explain what this boy means to me, how I feel about him and that I want him in my life as my partner. Things were going good and then I had to go and fuck things up – I had to tell the truth because I hate lying and he means more to me than a lie. I would do anything to prove to this boy how sorry I am and how much I want forgiveness and a second chance to prove to him I am a good person, I can stop these things and will open up. I would jump of a cliff if he asked me to just to prove this to him. 

If one doesn’t truely feel bad or sorry for the doings they have done then one wouldn’t cry, feeling like cutting or even ending their life. One hates themselves for this and doesn’t know what to do anymore! 
XoWoundsHeal96  

Going Backwards

Do you ever find yourself going backwards? Going in the wrong direction once again.

When you are determined and committed, you put in your all but then someone from your past, vulnerable state comes back and brings all those feelings, emotions and thoughts back. Opens up that possibility of going backwards, taking two steps back instead of  two steps forward.

You know what you need to do for your own health and wellbeing but cannot fathom the thought of giving this opportunity up. The question I must ask myself : “Is this really an opportunity, a good, positive opportunity that will allow me to heal and move on” or is it an opportunity that is negative, will put me in a more vulnerable place.

THEN REALITY HITS

You look at how far you’ve come in the past few weeks after months of being destructive. After months of not caring about yourself, not caring what anyone else thought, not caring about your life or work. You know that there will be times in your life/future when I will feel weak, vulnerable and tempted to go back to my old ways but I need to remember to open up to the ones  who love me, care for me and ask for help instead of falling back into that destructive dangerous cycle.

xoWoundsHeal96

 

Disgusting.

Have you ever tried getting your life back on track after months of stuffing it up but you just fall deeper and deeper into the hole and it just spirals out of control. You are left stuck in this poisonous rut, this poisonous destructive cycle that no one can get you out of. It’s just all self inflicted but you don’t know why. You don’t know why you are doing it. Are you looking for something, trying to fill something inside you, trying to prove something to others who have hurt you – I feel that I will never know.

I’ve tried so hard to do it alone, to try not to lean on anyone, rely on anyone. I don’t want to involve people in my messed up, complicated life. So scared, afraid, anxious of hurting others, ruining friendships/relationships.

For so many months I have been making bad choices which not only have had an impact on family or friendships but also on my physical body as well. I stopped going to the gym, started eating bad, takeaway all the time, doing destructive things, not caring about myself or what I do, spending excessive amounts of money, going out most nights and not being home until early hours of the morning, slacking off at work, not hanging out with friends and arguing with family.

All I’ve ever wanted was to be a role model, someone people look up to, I’ve always wanted to have that body I see as perfect but instead I have messed it up and I am struggling so much to get back on track and get my body and diet back into shape. I’m always turning to takeaway/bad food and other bad things to make me feel better. But the question is – in the long term does it really make me feel better or is just for the short term?

I look up to my sister and just wish I was more like her. Body wise, health wise and strength wise. I am so disgusted I have done all of this, so disgusted in letting myself get this deep into this hole, this vicious cycle.  I wish I had never done it, I wish I could take it all back – I wish I had never messed up my life like I have. I cant take any of that back but all I can do is make a change from now and move forward… I just hope I can keep up with it. Keep going and stay strong….

xoWoundsHeal96

 

Gentle like feather

Gentle – having or showing mild, kind or temperament character.

Delicate – easily broken or damaged, fragile.

Feathers are such beautiful things. Each one is different, no feather has the same softness, texture, pattern or colour. Just like humans, no human is the same. Different hair, skin, imperfections, likes & dislikes, interests etc.

Feathers are just like humans – some look bad but are beautiful to touch and some look beautiful but are bad to touch. Humans are quite similar – there are ones who look lovely, trustworthy, caring, loving but once involved with them it all turns bad, whereas there are ones who look mean and rough but once involved they are the most loving creatures.

So- you may be wondering “How do I know which ones are worth touching and which ones should I stay away from” – the answer is you don’t know. Humanity is a funny thing, we judge too often and understand too little. We don’t take the time to get to know people for who they really are. There are so many people I have come across that when they find something out about me they may not like or are interested in – instead of asking more in-depth questions and trying to understand they immediately run. They don’t take the time or effort to get to know me for who I really am.

I often find that I am the type of person who attracts negative, manipulative people into my life. I’ve wondered for quite some time why this is so and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have enough self love, self worth or self belief that I deserve better. Deep down I believe I deserve to be treated badly. That no matter what I do in life or no matter how hard I try – my past will always make me feel I deserve it.

I’ve recently met a guy who proves that good people are out there. People who actually know how to treat a girl, how to understand another but themselves. When I first met him/spoke to him my stomach dropped, I didn’t know how to feel, what to think – but when he showed he genuinely cared and understood me, I was put at ease. Not only did he look beautiful, he was also beautiful to touch. I was quite sceptical and didn’t really know how to react to this guy. He is beautiful to look at, his touch is like a soft, warm feather sliding over my body, giving me a sense of calm, relief and his smell is comforting. He is soft, gentle and delicate yet so strong not only physically but mentally also- I can sense it. I could sit and examine him for hours just like examining a feather. Focus on every imperfection, smell, taste, textures. Examine his eyes and the way he blinks, examine his mouth and the way it moves when he speaks  and eats, watch his chest inhaling and exhaling while he sleeps, running my hands over his soft, gentle body while we talk about anything and everything.

Take the time to get to know someone for who they are, every flaw, secret, like and dislike. Take the time to ask more in-depth questions to get to know them for who they truly are and not let your mind/thoughts make that decision before asking. Remember every human is different just like a feather. Some are rough to look at but are soft to touch and some are beautiful to look at yet rough to touch. Be aware of the signs of people who are rough and aren’t good for you. Look after yourself.

xoWoundsHeal96

 

 

 

Unbelievable

It’s beyond my belief how people believe their own lies. How one body can make up stories and honestly believe them to be true. Believe what they are saying is all true, all facts, all honesty. They aren’t the ones in the wrong, they have everyone’s best interests at heart and that the people around them are all poisonous and bad.

I often wonder what possibly goes through ones mind when contemplating another lie, another false story, false action. Does one feel any guilt, any regret, any bad at all?

How does one live their life fully and happily with no guilt or remorse. Does one think or rather care of the consequences their actions might have upon others, friends, family or loved ones. Does one know what affect their actions have on others. Does one even care?

Tonight someone who is supposed to care, love, support and be there for you just proved to me that once a liar, always a liar. When one continually tells lies and believes them, when one makes out you are the liar and the one who is evil. One does not know the affect their lies have on another body.

Being someone who has been lied to most of her life has fallen into the trap of occasionally telling the white lie- as we all do. When one is lied to, manipulated, controlled, put down throughout their life they begin to believe they are everything bad people have said about them. They begin to lose their self worth, self love, self respect. One will never trust someone like they used to, one will never know what the truth is, one will always question themselves or others about another ones actions or words.

One only wants honesty and trust in this world we call home. But one knows the world is not a perfect place and is willing to accept the fact some people are liars who will never change. One knows that all they can do is focus on themselves and make each day a new day to better themselves.

xo Woundsheal96