Have you ever tried getting your life back on track after months of stuffing it up but you just fall deeper and deeper into the hole and it just spirals out of control. You are left stuck in this poisonous rut, this poisonous destructive cycle that no one can get you out of. It’s just all self inflicted but you don’t know why. You don’t know why you are doing it. Are you looking for something, trying to fill something inside you, trying to prove something to others who have hurt you – I feel that I will never know.
I’ve tried so hard to do it alone, to try not to lean on anyone, rely on anyone. I don’t want to involve people in my messed up, complicated life. So scared, afraid, anxious of hurting others, ruining friendships/relationships.
For so many months I have been making bad choices which not only have had an impact on family or friendships but also on my physical body as well. I stopped going to the gym, started eating bad, takeaway all the time, doing destructive things, not caring about myself or what I do, spending excessive amounts of money, going out most nights and not being home until early hours of the morning, slacking off at work, not hanging out with friends and arguing with family.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be a role model, someone people look up to, I’ve always wanted to have that body I see as perfect but instead I have messed it up and I am struggling so much to get back on track and get my body and diet back into shape. I’m always turning to takeaway/bad food and other bad things to make me feel better. But the question is – in the long term does it really make me feel better or is just for the short term?
I look up to my sister and just wish I was more like her. Body wise, health wise and strength wise. I am so disgusted I have done all of this, so disgusted in letting myself get this deep into this hole, this vicious cycle. I wish I had never done it, I wish I could take it all back – I wish I had never messed up my life like I have. I cant take any of that back but all I can do is make a change from now and move forward… I just hope I can keep up with it. Keep going and stay strong….