There will never be silence…

Have you ever gone from being in one mood to the next within the matter of minutes or even seconds? Have you ever felt that you are living two separate lives, the one you live around your friends, family and co-workers and then the one you live when you are alone in your room at 2am in the morning? Have you ever felt emotions so strongly that you didn’t know how to deal with them or express them? Have you ever felt like there is something different about you, like sometimes you are someone different, not you?

Those are just some of the things you may feel if you suffer from BPD also known as Borderline Personality Disorder. My whole life I have always thought there has been something different about me. I can’t remember when I started feeling this way but I know it was when I hit my teenage years, especially around 16 or 17. I can’t pinpoint what it is that feels different but I know there is something. I feel emotions very strongly and often can’t sort out my feelings or emotions.

For years I saw Psychologists, Doctors, Mental Health nurses and still they diagnosed me with things that never helped me understand why I felt this certain way or experienced these things. It wasn’t up until about a year ago that I had an appointment with another Mental Health nurse who within an hour of talking to him he could pull out a number of things that was going on for me and Borderline Personality Disorder was on of them. I remember when he said this I just broke down in tears because everything that he was explaining made sense to me, I understood everything he was saying and it sounded like me. I remember after that appointment I felt a little bit of relief but also embarrassed and disgust that that is what I had. I remember telling me therapist at the time about what this man had said and my therapist said “Yes, I have thought that for quite some time.” That just angered me because for nearly 3 years I had been seeing her and not once had she mentioned this to me.

Since then I have gotten a new therapist and we are working on things slowly. I am very embarrassed to tell her about this because  I find it hard to accept it myself. How can you tell someone that you love kids things, kids shows, kids toys or kids movies? This is only one of the things that makes me feel different to any other 20year old out there. There will be times where I feel like a mature 20 year old woman with the world in her arms and I can do anything and then there are other times where I just feel so small, little and like I want to curl up in bed and watch Disney movies all day and snuggle up to stuffies and play with kids toys.. I am so ashamed even writing this because I have never let this out before, I have kept it inside for so long.

Its only been recently that a few people have been saying to me that I go through phases saying I like this or that and then all of a sudden in changes and I’m not into any of it anymore. They say I am weird or its crazy. This behaviour, my emotions and feelings may be hard for others to understand and even maybe how I say things or explain things may be hard for others to understand as well but its also a constant daily battle for me also. I am constantly trying to calm my mind, trying to control myself in certain situations and trying to calm my mind when things get too overwhelming. Does anyone else find going to the shops extremely overwhelming or too much to handle – and I’m not just talking about around Christmas time either. I mean all the time, like if I walk into a shop and there is so much to look at or buy, my mind goes crazy and I can’t seem to calm down unless I walk out of the shop and only sometimes that works.

Have you ever felt that no matter what emotion you feel whether its good or bad, its all too overwhelming? For me I feel there is no in between, I am either super low or super high. There are the rare occasions where I feel absolutely nothing and just feel flat. I feel that no one understands me or this disorder and whenever I mention something about how I feel or think I get judged or belittled for it. There will never be silence for me, my head will always keep going and I have no way of stopping it.


Stay Strong




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