Love _ Hate

Have you ever had a love hate relationship with someone or felt like you have had one?

Have you ever liked someone and then out of nowhere it changes to not wanting to have them around you?

What about this – one day you feel something strong towards someone and then the next day you don’t. You feel nothing towards them, no love, no hate, just pure nothingness. It’s even a bit like you don’t even know them, they are just a stranger to you. Someone who you used to know.

Not too long ago I was scrolling through Facebook and stumbled across a quote in which I fell in love with immediately. It explains relationships for me so clearly, not only romantic relationships but also friendships.

” I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m not sure if I’m capable of truly loving someone the way emotionally healthy people do. I eventually outgrow the love I feel towards someone and move on.”

This particular quote focuses on romantic relationships rather than day to day friendships you may make at work, school or uni etc. I’ve always seemed to struggle with maintaining friendships/relationships well long lasting ones anyway. All of my romantic relationships only lasted a few weeks to a few months, nothing more. I was either cheated on, used and abused or I just got too much.

What I don’t understand is that I feel so strongly. No matter what emotion or feeling I get I feel it so intensely it can be overwhelming. I don’t understand how one day I can say to someone I think I’m falling for you and mean every word and feeling of it and then the next day just completely feel the opposite. Feel like I have no connection to them what so ever. How can one person feel so many emotions in such a short time and why so intensely?

These last few days I have noticed I have been quite angry/agitated. I don’t know why or what causes it. Feeling so angry/agitated just makes me annoyed at every person I come across, whether it’s customers at work, randoms walking down the street or even friends. I try so hard to make sense of it all but it’s just a waste.

Does anyone go from wanting to be in a long term relationship with the person they are with to wanting to be single again?

I feel like being single will always be a better option for me. No one to have to explain myself to but most of all no one will have to deal with this side of me. The constant mood changes/splits, the constant LOVE/HATE relationship I feel, the constant outbursts of anger in which I have no idea what triggered it. The constant urges to self harm and not care what happens to me, the constant self hate of what I’ve done in the past, how I treated myself and how I saw myself.

No one really seems to understand that I am a handful. That I am difficult to understand. That I struggle to express, struggle to trust, struggle to love. I just wish people put in more of an effort to really understand and know me instead of assuming or getting angry at me.

Tonight I sat and had a little cry to my family about the relationship I am in and how much BPD is affecting how I feel towards it. People just don’t seem to understand that it’s not them that is causing this, it’s not their actions, what they might or might not be doing, if they have said or done something wrong. It’s a mental illness which is very complex and hard to understand. I’m still learning about it even though I live with it every day.

All I want is a bit of stability in my life. A little bit of control around my emotions and feelings.

xoWoundsHeal96

Forgive me.

Forgiving is a very important part of life. I’ve never really found it hard to forgive myself for things I have done or mistakes I have made because it’s reality and it’s just apart of life. However, things have happened these last several months which I am finding extremely hard to forgive myself for.

I often sit and wonder – will my body every forgive me? Will I ever forgive myself for what I did to my body?

I’ve put my body through hell and it never deserved it. It’s been through more than any body should ever have to go through. Will I ever forgive myself for letting it go through all that? For allowing people to hurt me physically and even when my body had reached it’s limit, I never stopped it.

How can someone lose all self love, self respect and self worth so quickly? But most of all how can someone get all of that back? How does one recover from something like this?

I often wonder – How can anyone love me when I didn’t even love myself? When I allowed my body to go through hell and back in such a short time. It was like I didn’t even care. I didn’t care what happened to me or my body. I didn’t care how people treated me or if they respected me.

Even to this day I hate myself still for allowing all this to happen. Allowing my body to be tortured and then not caring or believing what others were telling me. “It’s abuse,” “You don’t deserve this,” “Please Stop.” It just turned into a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to stop. It was just another release for me, the same feeling cutting gave me.

And then one day this guy went too far. I was scared shitless and thought I was going to die. That’s when I realised I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to be hated or to hate myself so much. I deserved to have self love, self worth and self respect. I deserved to recover, have happiness and love in my life.

As soon as anything good happened in my life I felt I didn’t deserve it, wasn’t worthy of it and I would do anything I sabotage it because at the time I believed I didn’t deserve it. People would often say to me “If this was your sister doing this or your friend it was happening to, what would you say to them?”

I remember saying to them that I would tell them it was abuse, that they deserved more. The problem was I had double standards, I knew no one deserves it but for some odd reason I believed I did. To this day it still puzzles me as to why I thought that way and acted that way. To this day I still struggle to forgive myself for not only what I was doing to myself but what I was doing to the ones around me, the ones I love.

All I can say is – I’m still recovering, it’s going to be a long tough road ahead but I am willing to stick it out and get better. Each and every one of you are strong, worthy of so much and can do anything you set your mind to.

 

Keep smiling

xo Woundsheal96

 

Thinking Thoughts…

Have you ever wanted something so badly but too afraid when it finds you? Do you ever just wish you could get your mind to stop spinning, stop thinking, just to be quiet? One minute you’re crying and then “BAM” within a few seconds you’re fine, you’re calm.

When you’re doing so well and then something triggers you and you just go back to square one. Back to the same old habits, losing people once again. When you hate the person you have become but are finding it extremely hard trying to change.

You want to move forward in your life but something is holding you back, pulling you back to where you started. Making you go through it all again before letting you get back on your feet just to pull you right back again to start over.

When you lost all self love, self respect and self care for yourself. When you want to find it again and to become a better person but have no idea where to find it or how to find it.

When you aren’t used to someone treating you with love and respect but when they do and you’re happy, you manage to sabotage it and ruin it all.

When you are trying so hard to change but seem to have no support around you when you slip up.

When you thought meeting people and trying to recover is what would be best for you, when people just make you feel like such a bad person.

When people say you are a player and just like the others when really no one knows me. Someone said to me that you would know if you were playing someone because it’s intentional. Unfortunately I’m not that type of person.

 

Where’s the FAITH?