Forgiving is a very important part of life. I’ve never really found it hard to forgive myself for things I have done or mistakes I have made because it’s reality and it’s just apart of life. However, things have happened these last several months which I am finding extremely hard to forgive myself for.
I often sit and wonder – will my body every forgive me? Will I ever forgive myself for what I did to my body?
I’ve put my body through hell and it never deserved it. It’s been through more than any body should ever have to go through. Will I ever forgive myself for letting it go through all that? For allowing people to hurt me physically and even when my body had reached it’s limit, I never stopped it.
How can someone lose all self love, self respect and self worth so quickly? But most of all how can someone get all of that back? How does one recover from something like this?
I often wonder – How can anyone love me when I didn’t even love myself? When I allowed my body to go through hell and back in such a short time. It was like I didn’t even care. I didn’t care what happened to me or my body. I didn’t care how people treated me or if they respected me.
Even to this day I hate myself still for allowing all this to happen. Allowing my body to be tortured and then not caring or believing what others were telling me. “It’s abuse,” “You don’t deserve this,” “Please Stop.” It just turned into a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to stop. It was just another release for me, the same feeling cutting gave me.
And then one day this guy went too far. I was scared shitless and thought I was going to die. That’s when I realised I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to be hated or to hate myself so much. I deserved to have self love, self worth and self respect. I deserved to recover, have happiness and love in my life.
As soon as anything good happened in my life I felt I didn’t deserve it, wasn’t worthy of it and I would do anything I sabotage it because at the time I believed I didn’t deserve it. People would often say to me “If this was your sister doing this or your friend it was happening to, what would you say to them?”
I remember saying to them that I would tell them it was abuse, that they deserved more. The problem was I had double standards, I knew no one deserves it but for some odd reason I believed I did. To this day it still puzzles me as to why I thought that way and acted that way. To this day I still struggle to forgive myself for not only what I was doing to myself but what I was doing to the ones around me, the ones I love.
All I can say is – I’m still recovering, it’s going to be a long tough road ahead but I am willing to stick it out and get better. Each and every one of you are strong, worthy of so much and can do anything you set your mind to.