Love _ Hate

Have you ever had a love hate relationship with someone or felt like you have had one?

Have you ever liked someone and then out of nowhere it changes to not wanting to have them around you?

What about this – one day you feel something strong towards someone and then the next day you don’t. You feel nothing towards them, no love, no hate, just pure nothingness. It’s even a bit like you don’t even know them, they are just a stranger to you. Someone who you used to know.

Not too long ago I was scrolling through Facebook and stumbled across a quote in which I fell in love with immediately. It explains relationships for me so clearly, not only romantic relationships but also friendships.

” I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m not sure if I’m capable of truly loving someone the way emotionally healthy people do. I eventually outgrow the love I feel towards someone and move on.”

This particular quote focuses on romantic relationships rather than day to day friendships you may make at work, school or uni etc. I’ve always seemed to struggle with maintaining friendships/relationships well long lasting ones anyway. All of my romantic relationships only lasted a few weeks to a few months, nothing more. I was either cheated on, used and abused or I just got too much.

What I don’t understand is that I feel so strongly. No matter what emotion or feeling I get I feel it so intensely it can be overwhelming. I don’t understand how one day I can say to someone I think I’m falling for you and mean every word and feeling of it and then the next day just completely feel the opposite. Feel like I have no connection to them what so ever. How can one person feel so many emotions in such a short time and why so intensely?

These last few days I have noticed I have been quite angry/agitated. I don’t know why or what causes it. Feeling so angry/agitated just makes me annoyed at every person I come across, whether it’s customers at work, randoms walking down the street or even friends. I try so hard to make sense of it all but it’s just a waste.

Does anyone go from wanting to be in a long term relationship with the person they are with to wanting to be single again?

I feel like being single will always be a better option for me. No one to have to explain myself to but most of all no one will have to deal with this side of me. The constant mood changes/splits, the constant LOVE/HATE relationship I feel, the constant outbursts of anger in which I have no idea what triggered it. The constant urges to self harm and not care what happens to me, the constant self hate of what I’ve done in the past, how I treated myself and how I saw myself.

No one really seems to understand that I am a handful. That I am difficult to understand. That I struggle to express, struggle to trust, struggle to love. I just wish people put in more of an effort to really understand and know me instead of assuming or getting angry at me.

Tonight I sat and had a little cry to my family about the relationship I am in and how much BPD is affecting how I feel towards it. People just don’t seem to understand that it’s not them that is causing this, it’s not their actions, what they might or might not be doing, if they have said or done something wrong. It’s a mental illness which is very complex and hard to understand. I’m still learning about it even though I live with it every day.

All I want is a bit of stability in my life. A little bit of control around my emotions and feelings.

xoWoundsHeal96

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