Living with Borderline Personality

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not just all in your head, it’s not just a mind thing. It’s a real disorder that affects how one lives their life.

For years I knew there was something different with me, with my emotions and how I dealt with things. When I felt emotions I felt them very strongly and intensely. I would react in ways others wouldn’t and take things quite personally.  I always had two sides of thinking (Black or White) no in between. When I was happy I was euphoric and when I was sad I was extremely low, so low that I didn’t care what happened to me which caused me to go on a destructive path with boys and sex. That can be a blog for another day.

Some days it affects me more than others to such extent that I can’t get out of bed, get changed or even brush my hair or teeth. There are times I even have to call in sick to work  because I can’t physically or emotionally handle/cope with work. It’s not only the lows that make me mentally and physically exhausted it’s also the highs. It’s switching between the highs and lows so many times in such a short amount of time. It’s feeling incredibly euphoric and insanely excited that drains me and then quickly switching to feeling pathetic, low, suicidal and relapsing that makes you bed ridden and which causes you to then isolate yourself. Some of the good or bad days can result in impulsiveness which then stresses me out even more because I spend money that I shouldn’t spend. It’s just a vicious cycle which is so unpredictable.

I am the type of person who likes to be productive on my days off work. I like being active and getting things done, feeling accomplished so when I switch and have quite bad days I then feel pathetic and low because all I’ve done in my day was binge watch Netflix in bed and only moved from my bed to go to the toilet. Each day I have these expectations I like to meet and things I like to get done so when they aren’t met or the tasks aren’t completed I feel even worse. My therapist has told me to not be so hard on myself and when I have my bad days/times to take it easy, pamper myself and look after myself. I’m still learning and each time I see her she gives me more positive things and strategies to focus on.

I like to see Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness and not who I am.

Last night I spoke to a lady on E-Headspace – if you don’t know what e-headspace is, it is a website for people with depression and anxiety and they also have an online chat room. I was talking to this lady about how I was having a bad day with Borderline and needed some tips on how to find motivation and energy to do things such as getting out of bed. She mentioned to me about trying to get creative and externalise the disorder and to explain what the disorder looks like, e.g. colour, size, shape etc. I had never thought of it like that before. I found externalising it and expressing how the disorder looked to me actually helped me make more sense of it.

I identified the disorder as a “he”. He only has 2 colours, grey and black. He is always with me but when he is black it means he is awake and angry, when he is grey it means he is tired and sleeping. He is mainly in the middle of me or all over me but there are times when he is in the corner of the room watching. I’ve never really been able to identify or express what the disorder looks like or the position of the disorder. Today I have been able to identify that he is behind me, like there is a feeling in my body that he is approaching or wanting to come out. He wants to upset or hurt me today but the problem is I don’t know when or how.

 

If any of you are suffering from this disorder/illness. YOU ARE STRONG. You can get past this and you are worthy of so much.

Stay Strong

xoWoundsHeal96

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Coping with Anxiety

Anxiety affects 1.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.

Do you know what it feels like to be feeling good about everything and feeling like you don’t have a care in the world and then out of no where you get a burst of anxiety? The feeling of confusion as to not knowing where the anxiety came from, what triggered it or why you feel that way.

I haven’t really been eating healthy or going to the gym these last 1 1/2 months so my anxiety likes to stress me out or make me think bad things. For example, tonight I was lying on my sisters bed with my sister watching YouTube videos when all of a sudden a burst of anxiety went over me, it lingered for a little bit then disappeared. The anxiety made me worry that I was going to die tonight because I haven’t been eating healthy or going the gym lately which then went into me thinking that I’ll never get to see any of my family or friends ever again. I don’t know what made it disappear/go away but it just did and I went back to feeling good again.

I suffer from anxiety on a day to day basis but over the years I have learnt strategies to cope in situations where my anxiety might be heightened. What I struggle with though is the sudden bursts of anxiety. The anxiety that hits so suddenly, so strongly and you have no idea where it came from, what triggered it or why you are feeling that way. I could be enjoying myself with friends or family, watching a movie or even working and all of a sudden the anxiety overwhelms me and takes over. My thoughts start racing, stomach starts churning, throat goes dry, palms get clammy, heart starts racing and I sometimes get hot flushes. When I feel this way I used to never know how to cope with these feelings, how to calm my body and thoughts, how to settle the mind and relax, unwind.

I’ve read many articles, stories and watched many videos on anxiety and how to cope with the feelings or thoughts of anxiety. I’ve linked some of the websites below that I used when I was first learning and getting grips on understanding anxiety and finding ways to cope with anxiety. Each person is different which means some strategies might work for some and might not work for others. It’s just about finding which strategies work best for you and which ones you are willing to try.

I’ve found some strategies on my own that have helped me with the anxiety. Some of them are pretty simple and then others are more of an effort but they all help me.

  • Cuddling a soft toy 
  • Cuddling or spending time with pets 
  • Taking dogs for a walk 
  • Watching a movie or favourite TV show
  • Going for a drive where there is a beach or a forest/bush
  • Taking a warm shower
  • Pampering myself e.g. painting nails, face mask, fake tanning, shaving etc. 
  • Using a difuser with an oil which smells relaxing/calming to you
  • Touching/playing with objects which you can squish or run your fingers through e.g. fur, blue tack, stress ball, kinetic sand etc. 

These are some of the strategies that I have come across on my own which I found have helped me. There are many apps that you can get for your phone that are also quite helpful. Some of these include:

  • Calm
  • WorryTime
  • Breathe 
  • Daylio

I also highly recommend, if you don’t already have one, investing in a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Studies say that the Himalayan Salt Lamp reduces stress, helps relieve anxiety, removes moisture in the air and rids the room of the bad ions and replaces it with the good ions. I never believed any of this and didn’t know how a single lamp could possibly do this or have so many benefits. It was only until I got one for my birthday a few years ago that I could actually recommend it to people and tell them that it actually works. As I said before I have had this lamp for a few years now and I have it on every single night, all night. My room feels more soothing, calming and more of a happy place to be in. I find it’s warm light sends of a relaxing feeling which is really good for anxiety. It’s hard to explain exactly how it feels to have one in my room but you will know what I mean if you have one or if you invest in one.

I know things might seem hard at the moment and the anxiety may get overwhelming but it does get easier with the right help, support and strategies you can overcome anything.

 

Stay Strong

xoWoundsHeal96

Not just a MOODY GIRL!!!

It’s just PMS they say, it’s just a bad day, stop being such a moody girl.

Can you imagine going through a thousand emotions within a matter of minutes?

Experiencing a new mood a hundred times a day?

Waking up each morning wondering how will you treat people today, what emotions you might feel, whether or not you’ll be able to keep it together or not or able to handle work or being around other people.

Will you feel hate towards the people you love today or will you feel love and compassion towards them?

Will the emotions get too much and will you relapse?

The list goes on and on of the numerous things that run through my head before getting out of bed in the morning or even before going to sleep at night. This is more than a bad day, more than a moody girl and more than a girl suffering from PMS. This is reality for me every single day.

I go through a thousand moods, emotions and feelings in one day. Some of these moods can happen within the matter of seconds or minutes which often leaves me feeling isolated and confused. I have no control over when these mood changes happen, how severe they will be and sometimes I don’t even know why they happen. Most times there is a trigger that causes the rapid change but other times it can happen for no apparent reason or I just can’t recognise a trigger.

I’ve been dating a guy for just under a month and throughout that month I have gone through many stages where I’ve considered ending it with him. I can barely hold myself up when I am like this so how can I hold him up or how can anyone be satisfied with me. I don’t know how to deal with this. There are days where I feel I am the only one putting in effort and then there are other days where I physically and emotionally have no energy to put any effort into the relationship. When I feel good I have no bad feeling about my relationship but when I split/change I feel like I just can’t keep doing it. I want to have a long lasting relationship but how can I when I am constantly feeling this way, constantly changing between moods.

Does anyone else cancel plans with friends, family or even partners just so you can avoid feeling strong emotions while with them? Worried that hanging out with them something might happen to trigger you off and then once again you won’t know how to deal with those feelings. It’s easier to shut yourself off from people and stay at home then have to deal with the constant mood changes, constant strong emotions and constant questioning from others. It’s easier when only you have  to deal with it, when you can just push it all aside and watch your favourite Netflix series instead of feeling each emotion you have. When someone says to you ” Do you want to hang today, what do you want to do?” – the most dreaded question.

How is that the most dreaded question you may ask. Well, you don’t know what moods or emotions you’ll feel today, you don’t know how often it will all change. One minute you feel good about catching up and then just like that it all comes crashing down and you don’t even want to hang out or do anything. You just stay at home to prevent anyone else from dealing with this cycle. I often ask myself – is it even a cycle? What is this?

I can read article after article, watch video after video and I still struggle to understand why this happens, why so regularly, how to identify triggers, how to stop it/prevent it from happening. People ask me so many things about this illness that I don’t understand myself. I don’t understand why, how or what so please don’t expect me to be able to explain it all to you. I’m too embarrassed to even tell a doctor about this let alone my own therapist.

 

Keep Fighting

 

xoWoundsHeal96