It’s just PMS they say, it’s just a bad day, stop being such a moody girl.
Can you imagine going through a thousand emotions within a matter of minutes?
Experiencing a new mood a hundred times a day?
Waking up each morning wondering how will you treat people today, what emotions you might feel, whether or not you’ll be able to keep it together or not or able to handle work or being around other people.
Will you feel hate towards the people you love today or will you feel love and compassion towards them?
Will the emotions get too much and will you relapse?
The list goes on and on of the numerous things that run through my head before getting out of bed in the morning or even before going to sleep at night. This is more than a bad day, more than a moody girl and more than a girl suffering from PMS. This is reality for me every single day.
I go through a thousand moods, emotions and feelings in one day. Some of these moods can happen within the matter of seconds or minutes which often leaves me feeling isolated and confused. I have no control over when these mood changes happen, how severe they will be and sometimes I don’t even know why they happen. Most times there is a trigger that causes the rapid change but other times it can happen for no apparent reason or I just can’t recognise a trigger.
I’ve been dating a guy for just under a month and throughout that month I have gone through many stages where I’ve considered ending it with him. I can barely hold myself up when I am like this so how can I hold him up or how can anyone be satisfied with me. I don’t know how to deal with this. There are days where I feel I am the only one putting in effort and then there are other days where I physically and emotionally have no energy to put any effort into the relationship. When I feel good I have no bad feeling about my relationship but when I split/change I feel like I just can’t keep doing it. I want to have a long lasting relationship but how can I when I am constantly feeling this way, constantly changing between moods.
Does anyone else cancel plans with friends, family or even partners just so you can avoid feeling strong emotions while with them? Worried that hanging out with them something might happen to trigger you off and then once again you won’t know how to deal with those feelings. It’s easier to shut yourself off from people and stay at home then have to deal with the constant mood changes, constant strong emotions and constant questioning from others. It’s easier when only you have to deal with it, when you can just push it all aside and watch your favourite Netflix series instead of feeling each emotion you have. When someone says to you ” Do you want to hang today, what do you want to do?” – the most dreaded question.
How is that the most dreaded question you may ask. Well, you don’t know what moods or emotions you’ll feel today, you don’t know how often it will all change. One minute you feel good about catching up and then just like that it all comes crashing down and you don’t even want to hang out or do anything. You just stay at home to prevent anyone else from dealing with this cycle. I often ask myself – is it even a cycle? What is this?
I can read article after article, watch video after video and I still struggle to understand why this happens, why so regularly, how to identify triggers, how to stop it/prevent it from happening. People ask me so many things about this illness that I don’t understand myself. I don’t understand why, how or what so please don’t expect me to be able to explain it all to you. I’m too embarrassed to even tell a doctor about this let alone my own therapist.