Loving You

The saying goes “If you love somebody, Let them go. If they come back, they’re yours. If not, it was never meant to be.” 

Letting someone you love go is one of the hardest things you might ever have to do. When you put your whole heart into a relationship, hoping you spend years together. Loving every inch of them, the way they smell, watching their mouth when they speak, their voice, watching them sleep, hearing their heartbeat when you rest against their chest, getting into bed with them and instantly falling asleep on their chest because you feel so safe and happy. Absolutely everything. 

Each relationship has flaws, rough patches, arguments happen but you work through it. When you love someone you don’t give up. It’s the little things you remember when you’re no longer with them. The places you went together, movies or shows you watched together, showering together, waking up next to one another, rolling over in the middle of the night and wrapping your arms around them and feeling their arms around you. That’s what you think of. You think of the things you never get to do again. Going to their place, sharing day to day things, telling them how your day was, going to family events, waking up next to each other, hugging them, kissing them, holding them, the smell of their cologne, telling them what they mean to you, how much you love them, just every small detail of them and your relationship. You know you love someone when you would use your broken pieces of your heart to mend theirs. When all you want is them, crave them. You just want to hug them, cry in their arms, tell them how much you love and miss them. You miss them so dearly, It’s like you are lost, every day you’d have a Good Morning and Goodnight message, someone to tell everything to. On your days off you’d spend time with them & if you didn’t hang out, you would talk all day. And then suddenly it’s nothing. 

You dread waking up in the morning because you know you’ll feel exactly the same as you did the day before. You are lost and don’t know what to do with yourself especially when you aren’t working. People say “Each day gets easier,” – Does it? Does it really? When it’s 5 days since breaking up and it feels like it only happened yesterday. You get feelings of “I can conquer the world” “I can do this”, to feeling extremely depressed and alone. When you can’t eat and can barely sleep, – it takes a toll. You try to keep your mind busy, and then for a split second you remember and the anxiety hits you. Whether you’ll ever find someone else, if they really miss you, whether you were ever good enough, what did you do wrong, maybe you should have tried harder, – the thoughts don’t stop. Night time is the worst for it, that’s when you’d spend most of your time together, snuggling up in the Winter keeping each other warm, going over after work and talking about your day or talking about your plans together for the following day. Enjoying each others company, nothing else in the world mattered – just you two together – Happy. 

It’s the memories, photos, videos, gifts. Everything reminds you of them, everything!! Their smell on your sheets, photos on your phone or social media,  songs that remind you of them, – even sleeping in your own bed- knowing you’ll never have them beside you again. That’s the hardest. Knowing that everything you ever did together, they will do with someone else. It’s the thought of hearing or seeing them with someone else that kills. When you never wanted to leave them, you never wanted it to end like this. 

People say, “Don’t focus on the things you’ll miss, focus on the Pro’s of being apart.” There are no pros when you are grieving, when you are missing them so much it hurts. It’s hard when all you want is them but you know in return they don’t want you. How do you move on when they were such a big part of your life for so long? How?

Time heals all wounds – what if you can’t go another day feeling this hurt? 

All you want is to be able to fast forward a couple weeks to when you’re feeling okay. When you can say “I am okay” or “I’m much better”, when you are no longer dreading to wake up and push through the day – faking it!

If you aren’t meant to be with them, then why the HELL does it hurt so much and feel so wrong? Why do you still love them so much? WHY?

When you need things to be okay, you pray. You pray for them to come back to you, to realise they’ve made a mistake, that they actually do need you, that you actually made their life better. You keep holding on, holding on for the little bit of hope that there might be another chance, but you know in the end it’s torturing you more. 

Letting go is so much harder than it seems. The problem is- You don’t want to have to let go. You shouldn’t have to. Surely they still love you, surely this is all just a dream. You’ll wake up tomorrow and it was just a bad nightmare- you’re still together and everything is good – just how it used to be. How will you ever find the courage to love again?