Thinking Thoughts…

Have you ever wanted something so badly but too afraid when it finds you? Do you ever just wish you could get your mind to stop spinning, stop thinking, just to be quiet? One minute you’re crying and then “BAM” within a few seconds you’re fine, you’re calm.

When you’re doing so well and then something triggers you and you just go back to square one. Back to the same old habits, losing people once again. When you hate the person you have become but are finding it extremely hard trying to change.

You want to move forward in your life but something is holding you back, pulling you back to where you started. Making you go through it all again before letting you get back on your feet just to pull you right back again to start over.

When you lost all self love, self respect and self care for yourself. When you want to find it again and to become a better person but have no idea where to find it or how to find it.

When you aren’t used to someone treating you with love and respect but when they do and you’re happy, you manage to sabotage it and ruin it all.

When you are trying so hard to change but seem to have no support around you when you slip up.

When you thought meeting people and trying to recover is what would be best for you, when people just make you feel like such a bad person.

When people say you are a player and just like the others when really no one knows me. Someone said to me that you would know if you were playing someone because it’s intentional. Unfortunately I’m not that type of person.

 

Where’s the FAITH?

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Fight like a girl…

I am currently in the middle of reading the novel “Fight Like a Girl” by Clementine Ford. I have never really heard much about feminism and how empowering feminism can be. I never knew that a book could be so life changing and how good a book could make you feel.

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Feminism is something that is rarely spoken about and the subject is sadly becoming taboo. Clementine covers so many subjects that so many women struggle with or have struggled with. She lets out her emotions, thoughts and feelings in this book which makes it all the more interesting and empowering to read. She covers subjects such as men, how women live in the kitchen, abortions and much more.

While reading this book  I have experienced many different emotions, thoughts and flashbacks to many of the things that have happened in my life or things I have or currently am dealing with.

There are certain subjects that Clementine covers in this book that hits harder for me than others. The anger she presents/portrays in this book is so relatable. Her anger towards men and the way they treat women really makes my blood boil. So many men have this belief that women belong in the kitchen. They are the ones to stay home and clean the house, look after the children and cook the food while the man goes to work and earns the income. It’s simple comments like “you belong in the kitchen,” or “go make me a sandwich” that men direct toward women that can have more of an impact on them than they realise.

Clementine talks about hair removal and the way men expect their “girl” or “woman” to look. For example, clean shaven, sexy lingerie, only wear certain colours etc. I have come across a number of guys that have been very particular or strict per say  on how I was to look or dress. I was told I have to be clean shaven otherwise I would get punished in ways no one should ever get punished. Why is it that it seems to be okay for men to have so much judgement on women? Why is it okay for men to tell us women how we should look or telling us to get hair removal? Women are human as well and as a human it is natural for us to have hair on our legs, genitals, under our arms, on our arms etc., so why oh why do men think it’s okay to tell us to remove it all? So what if a girl didn’t shave her legs one week or if she didn’t shave under her arms. It irritates me when men think it’s okay to tell a girl she is like a bear “down there” or her legs are too hairy. What if a girl feels more confident with hair on her genitals than she does without it? Men need to cut women some slack and love them for who they are.

When women fall pregnant, it is up to the woman and the woman only what she does with that baby. No one and I mean no one has the right to tell her what she should or shouldn’t do with that baby. No man should tell a woman that they have to abort it. It is her body, her baby, her life and she has the right to choose what is best for her and her life. People abort for so many different reasons – ask women who have aborted and I promise each of them will have a different story or reason why they chose to. Clementine mentions in her book that she has had a few abortions and why. Like she says in the book- women have the right to have control over their lives and what they choose to do with their bodies. 

There is one part of Clementine’s book that really hits hard and deep for me. Find this passage below~

How can men possibly hope to change the world in all ways that women need when half the time they don’t even realise we’re living on two different planes of the same dimension? We are the only ones equipped to lead the feminist fight because we are in possession of knowledge that can only be gleaned from experience. Surrendering control of our liberation to the same men who benefit from us being denied it isn’t just a dangerous exercise in irony – it’s a guaranteed way to ensure nothing truly changes.

Women are being killed on a weekly basis by men who hate them so much but want desperately to control them. We’re raped, violated, abused, pushed around, undermined, ridiculed, mocked, beaten, bullied and degraded. And to make matters worse, we’re told that our complaints about these things are overwrought, hysterical and defamatory. “Suck it up, princess, the world isn’t fair. Get over it, it’s just a joke. A good cock up ya will sort you out.” 

And still they ask : Why do you hate men?

This part of Clementine’s book really hits hard and deep for me. It really gets me thinking and brings out many different emotions and feelings for me.

More of us women need to be aware of feminism, the effects it can have on other women and how empowering and inspiring it is for others as well. I know by just reading this book, I don’t feel so alone in certain aspects of my life because I feel Clementine is there with me, walking this journey and knows what it’s all about. Women have the right to be how they want to be. If you want to let your leg hairs grow – THEN DO IT! You don’t want to shave your genitals – THEN DON’T! Women don’t have to be feminine all the time- we are human. As women we deserve to be able to slouch around in our PJ’S all day, messy unwashed hair, hairy legs, under arms, genitals or even not shower all day until you feel like it. We deserve to be able to eat what we wish without being ridiculed, judged or called names because of it.

GIRLS – BE FEMININE WHEN YOU WANT TO BE! DON’T LET ANY MAN TELL YOU OTHERWISE…

This book has made me want to make a stand for feminism. EACH WOMAN DESERVES IT INCLUDING ME! Stand up for yourselves and know you are worth it.

Stay Strong

xoWoundsHeal96

 

 

Baby Steps

Everything in life takes time and patience, perseverance and strength. Change only happens when you want it. What you allow is what will continue.

2 weeks ago I went back to my therapist after the Christmas season break. There were some things that were super hard to discuss with her but I know it was all for the best. Even before seeing her I knew I had to change my life, change the things I was doing and change who I was becoming.

The problem was that I didn’t know how to change, what steps I had to begin to take to make a change. Quite a few months ago I quit my gym membership as I wasn’t going as often as I had liked and I was just paying for it and not actually using the facilities available. By quitting my membership it just made things go downhill even quicker. I wasn’t getting any physical activity or doing anything positive for myself or my body. It was only at the beginning of the new year that I decided 2017 would be my year to get fit, healthy and get the body I had dreamed of for so long. I joined a new gym but unfortunately that didn’t help my motivation levels. Since suffering from mental health issues my motivation for things have never been great but I used to put in effort to change all of that. Over 6 months ago when my life was going down a very messy and destructive path I had no motivation to even try to help myself so it just got worse. It’s when I went back to my therapist after the Christmas break that things seemed a little brighter.

I told my therapist my body goals and how I wanted to get back into the routine of going to the gym a couple times a week and told her how I had failed to do so. In the new year I set myself goals by telling myself I would go to the gym every day of the working week for an hour but I just failed miserably. My therapist said that I had to set goals for myself that were achievable because by telling myself I would go to the gym every day of the week was unrealistic as when I missed a day of gym I would feel shit and then I would feel unmotivated to go again that same week and the cycle would start all over again. My therapist wrote down a list of things that were the “B” (Behavioural) in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). She wrote a list of pleasant things that would give me pleasant feelings and one of those things was to go to the gym 2 times a week for 30minutes. By having a small goal to reach such as gym 2 times a week it has made me feel like it’s something that I can easily achieve.

This week I managed to go to the gym twice and I ended up doing a workout for an hour each time which obviously made me feel more accomplished and motivated to do it all again next week. It’s all about baby steps, and taking things slowly until you reach your goal. By setting yourself up with unrealistic goals/tasks it can make you feel pathetic, weak and like you are never going to reach where you want to be. Taking things slow, and taking baby steps doesn’t mean you are weak or pathetic, it just means you are taking things at your own pace to feeling accomplished by achieving your goals. Starting off might seem like you are walking along a beach and your footprints just get washed away by the sea and you have to start all over again. But the more you keep going and pushing harder each time, your footprints become permanent.

REMEMBER – It’s baby steps to success 🙂

Stay Strong

xoWoundsHeal96

 

Getting Fit…

A few days ago I joined up to a new gym and today was the first day in over 4 months that I actually went back.

My motivation levels for doing anything has been so bad but my motivation for exercise and/or gym has been even worse. The thought of going to the gym and working out makes me feel so blaahhhh. I keep thinking “I want this fit, toned body. I want to feel good about my body at all times” but at the same time I just see it as pointless and too much effort.

Walking into the new gym today was daunting. New equipment, new environment. I didn’t know where to start, how to use any of the equipment and my mind set was absolute shit. I would have much rather been laying in bed or sitting on the couch watching TV. I knew that by joining this new gym it was for the better, it would better me and help my mental state and help me become more fit.

I remember how good I used to feel when I went to the gym on a regular basis and when I started seeing a change within my body and muscles. I just want that back again but I know it’s going to take a lot of patience, training and time. When I did my workout today it just felt pathetic, like it was no use and that it was all pointless. It felt like that no matter how hard I try or try and set my mind to go to the gym 3 times a week that I am just setting myself up for failure. I feel that I’ll never get that body I have been dreaming of and that working out is always going to be such an effort for me and super painful. I can’t even remember how I got through this pain, lack of motivation and bad mind set when I first ever joined the gym.

I honestly feel like I achieved nothing at the gym today. Like I got no benefit from it. I know it’s only the first day back at gym after months of not going but I feel like giving up on it already.

xoWoundsHeal96

Morals & Standards

Not all of us in this world have morals and/or standards. Some of us don’t care where we end up in life or what we do. Some of us don’t care about the people around us or the ones we love. Some of us are too caught up in our own lives they don’t realise what is standing right in front of them. Some of us don’t care what we look like, how we dress, how we act of even how we treat the ones we love or the people around us.

Not all of us are like what I stated above. Some of us actually have morals and/or standards, self respect. Some of us actually care about the ones around us and what we look like, how we dress and how we act.

Mid last year I started making some silly and unhealthy choices and at the time it might have seemed that I had no morals or self respect but when I sit and think about it I still did. Deep down they were still there – I’ve only really found them again in these last few months. It’s only been in these last 3 months that I stopped doing what I was doing mid last year. What made me stop you may ask, honestly it was the realisation that hit me, that what I was doing was disgusting and wasn’t the person I am or wanted to be. I had no help with stopping it or breaking the habit but I did it. I must say it was hard, very hard but I am so proud I decided to stop.

I’ve had people tell me that because I self harm/self harmed that I have/had no self respect. That I won’t be able to cope on my own if that’s what I resort to when things get tough. I haven’t done it in ages and no one helped me get through but me, no one made me stop but me. It was all up to me. I don’t understand how people can even think that someone who self harms or has self harmed has no self respect and are incapable of coping on their own.

I’m tired of being told that I have no morals or standards or being asked if I do because of some of the choices I make in my life. I care so much about the people I love and the people around me that’s why I am always trying to please them, make sure they are okay and are worried about what they make think of me or feel about things I do.

I have morals and lots of them, I have self respect and lots of it also. I know what is right and what is wrong. I don’t have to justify my life to anyone or my decisions. This year it’s all going to change. I am going to prove to everyone that I take my life seriously, that I have morals and standards and that I am done with people using me or playing me. I am going to take charge and change my life for the better. I’m going to find that motivation to go back to the gym and get fit again, find motivation to save money, get a second job and make the most of my days off.

 

xoWoundsHeal96

Vulnerable.. 

I’m sick and tired of people using me when I’m vulnerable. Just because I have scars on my arms doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the best.

There are so many people I have come across in my life that see I have scars and just take my weakness as their strength. Call me names, ask questions about them, look at me differently all because of them. 

The people who use and abuse people when they are vulnerable or at their worst are just low. It’s not fair. Before getting involved with someone get your own shit sorted from past relationships so you don’t bring it into the new one. Using that shit on a vulnerable person doesn’t help them, just pushes them further away. Give people who are vulnerable a chance, give them a chance to talk, express how they feel or what they are thinking. Give them a break. 

This year I have met quite a few people who i thought would be different to the others I’ve come across. They would tell me – “I’m different to the others, I won’t treat you like that, you deserve better” ect – sadly none of them met that expectation. They just proved to me that they were exactly like everyone else who said these things – people who don’t care, are only curious, only want one thing and are full of themselves. Half of the people I’ve associated with this year say they care and want to listen to what’s on my mind so I start to tell them and then they make some lame excuse so they don’t have to listen to me anymore. I very rarely speak about how I feel or my thoughts but when I do no one seems to stick around. 

I crave that person who I can call mine, who will listen and not leave. If only people had a heart, if only people cared and honestly cared. No one ever thinks before they speak or before they act. No one ever seems to give a shit when I might be vulnerable they just use and abuse it.

For once in your life can you all just give a shit about people. Think before you act or speak, don’t just think about yourself. 

XoWoundsHeal95 

So Magical

December is such an exciting time of year for some people. Family get togethers, family vacations, presents, Santa, Christmas carols, candy canes, Christmas movies, Christmas lights and so much more. For some, December can also be a very stressful, depressing time of year as it’s when most of our yearly income goes down the drain and some people may not have all their family around them for Christmas Day around them.

Do you ever remember being  a child and you counted the sleeps until Santa came? Do you remember writing up your Christmas list and telling your parents how excited you were for Santa to come? Do you remember when your parents would tell you on Christmas Eve that if you didn’t go to bed early or get to sleep that Santa wouldn’t come?

All these things are just so magical, I remember as a child every Christmas eve I would sit down and write a letter to Santa and his reindeers. I would then leave out a carrot, some milk and cookies for Santa and his reindeers. I’d then wake up in the morning and all the food and drinks would be gone and so would my letter. I can’t even remember how I felt when I saw that Santa had taken my letter. The excitement I got when my mum, sister and myself all sat around the Christmas tree waiting patiently to open all our gifts from Santa. Mum would tell us to go through our stockings first to see what Santa had left inside. She would then read out the presents and who they were to and if they were from her or Santa. The excitement I would feel when I opened my presents and saw what Santa had bought me was so magical. The whole Christmas spirit and concept was so magical and happy. Not only would Santa leave us gifts but he would also leave us a trail of reindeer hoof prints or some of his magic dust to some of our gifts.

Since growing up I have become quite a GRINCH when it comes to Christmas. I don’t like Christmas carols, Christmas cards, setting up the Christmas tree or really seeing everyone for a family gathering on Christmas day. But this year it feels different. I am overly excited, been watching Christmas movies, been singing to Christmas carols and much more. I’ve been counting down the days till Christmas this year and I am so so excited if I haven’t stated that already. Deep down I know there is a Santa out there. Christmas is so magical and it would be nothing without Santa and his reindeers.

I wish everyone a safe and Merry Christmas and New Year..

xoWoundsHeal96

There will never be silence…

Have you ever gone from being in one mood to the next within the matter of minutes or even seconds? Have you ever felt that you are living two separate lives, the one you live around your friends, family and co-workers and then the one you live when you are alone in your room at 2am in the morning? Have you ever felt emotions so strongly that you didn’t know how to deal with them or express them? Have you ever felt like there is something different about you, like sometimes you are someone different, not you?

Those are just some of the things you may feel if you suffer from BPD also known as Borderline Personality Disorder. My whole life I have always thought there has been something different about me. I can’t remember when I started feeling this way but I know it was when I hit my teenage years, especially around 16 or 17. I can’t pinpoint what it is that feels different but I know there is something. I feel emotions very strongly and often can’t sort out my feelings or emotions.

For years I saw Psychologists, Doctors, Mental Health nurses and still they diagnosed me with things that never helped me understand why I felt this certain way or experienced these things. It wasn’t up until about a year ago that I had an appointment with another Mental Health nurse who within an hour of talking to him he could pull out a number of things that was going on for me and Borderline Personality Disorder was on of them. I remember when he said this I just broke down in tears because everything that he was explaining made sense to me, I understood everything he was saying and it sounded like me. I remember after that appointment I felt a little bit of relief but also embarrassed and disgust that that is what I had. I remember telling me therapist at the time about what this man had said and my therapist said “Yes, I have thought that for quite some time.” That just angered me because for nearly 3 years I had been seeing her and not once had she mentioned this to me.

Since then I have gotten a new therapist and we are working on things slowly. I am very embarrassed to tell her about this because  I find it hard to accept it myself. How can you tell someone that you love kids things, kids shows, kids toys or kids movies? This is only one of the things that makes me feel different to any other 20year old out there. There will be times where I feel like a mature 20 year old woman with the world in her arms and I can do anything and then there are other times where I just feel so small, little and like I want to curl up in bed and watch Disney movies all day and snuggle up to stuffies and play with kids toys.. I am so ashamed even writing this because I have never let this out before, I have kept it inside for so long.

Its only been recently that a few people have been saying to me that I go through phases saying I like this or that and then all of a sudden in changes and I’m not into any of it anymore. They say I am weird or its crazy. This behaviour, my emotions and feelings may be hard for others to understand and even maybe how I say things or explain things may be hard for others to understand as well but its also a constant daily battle for me also. I am constantly trying to calm my mind, trying to control myself in certain situations and trying to calm my mind when things get too overwhelming. Does anyone else find going to the shops extremely overwhelming or too much to handle – and I’m not just talking about around Christmas time either. I mean all the time, like if I walk into a shop and there is so much to look at or buy, my mind goes crazy and I can’t seem to calm down unless I walk out of the shop and only sometimes that works.

Have you ever felt that no matter what emotion you feel whether its good or bad, its all too overwhelming? For me I feel there is no in between, I am either super low or super high. There are the rare occasions where I feel absolutely nothing and just feel flat. I feel that no one understands me or this disorder and whenever I mention something about how I feel or think I get judged or belittled for it. There will never be silence for me, my head will always keep going and I have no way of stopping it.

 

Stay Strong

xoWoundsHeal96

 

Living with physical scars

Everyone has scars, whether they are emotional or physical. We all live with scars. I feel that sometimes the physical ones are the hardest to live with.

I never thought that I would be living with physical scars that are from self infliction. I have tried and tried to accept my scars and use them as a strength, as a uniqueness. But I just cant. There are days where I am proud of how far I have come, I don’t let them bother me but then there are days when they just make me feel so so bad, so pathetic, so weak, so ugly, like a failure.

I had this goal on how I wanted to look and I have just ruined all of it by scarring my body. I look at other girls and their bodies and they have no one noticeable scar, I envy them because they can look good in swimmers, shorts and they can show off their bodies without a worry in the world. I can’t even put on swimmers without worrying about how ugly my scars look. How my thighs stand out so much because of my scars, when the weather changes, my scars change too and I absolutely hate it. It’s a constant battle between wanting to get rid of my scars and keeping them.

I sometimes feel that no one is going to want me or love me with scars when they can get such a gorgeous girl without physical scars. I hate when I have to edit photos to hide my identity by getting rid of my scars and tattoos. I love the way I look in edited photos without my hip tattoo and without my scars.. If only I looked like that in real life.

I honestly can’t seem to forgive myself for what I have done to myself. I want to but there is something stopping me. I just want to feel beautiful with my scars and no worry about them anymore. I don’t want them to stop me from feeling beautiful. Everyone deserves to feel on top of the world and to feel beautiful.

Stay Strong xo

WoundsHeal96

Losing a pet.

During my life I’ve lost a few pets. Fish, Chickens and Birds but nothing can compare to the feeling of losing a dog. When you’ve had a dog since you were 3 years old and they were your everything. When you and her went on adventures together, hugged each other in storms and when she would comfort you when you were upset or angry. It obviously breaks your heart when it’s their time to go.

The feeling of losing a dog you’ve had for 17years and been through thick and thin with just turns your world upside down. 2years ago today I sadly lost my very first dog, her name was Pepper, she was a Border Collie. She had the most happiest life, loved adventures, walks, water, playing fetch and going on holidays to the creek, oh and she loved Corn Chips. I remember taking her to the bush one year during Easter for a holiday and she used to chase cows and chased a DONKEY. She loved swimming in the creek and just sitting around the fire at night with us. She was such a happy dog and was always in good spirits so when her spirits started going down it was hard to see her not as happy or healthy.

Over the last few years before you passed I saw you getting weaker and not as lively which killed me but you were still happy to play. It wasn’t until the last months/year before you passed which was the most upsetting.

I first noticed your fur going grey around your mouth and eyes, then noticed your eyes going cloudy and you found it hard to navigate around. Your hearing then started to go as well as your bladder and it just got worse from there. Those last few months that you were still here baby you struggled, you were in so much pain and all I wanted to do was help you and take away all that pain. I was so worried that I would get home from school or work and you would already be gone without a goodbye.

The day you left us was one of the hardest days I’ve had to deal with. Watching you leave us was even harder but I was staying with you until your last breath. I remember laying next to you holding your head and telling you how much I love you and how much I would miss you as you took your last breaths. I felt and heard you leave this earth and I couldn’t stop crying. I cried for days after honey and even now there are times I still cry. I love and miss you so much sweetheart, I love you just as much as I did when you were still here with us. I wish I could bring you back just for a day. I know you are better where you are now.

Honestly, I cannot put into words how I feel about you being gone or how I felt when this happened. ❤

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xoWoundsHeal96