Getting Fit…

A few days ago I joined up to a new gym and today was the first day in over 4 months that I actually went back.

My motivation levels for doing anything has been so bad but my motivation for exercise and/or gym has been even worse. The thought of going to the gym and working out makes me feel so blaahhhh. I keep thinking “I want this fit, toned body. I want to feel good about my body at all times” but at the same time I just see it as pointless and too much effort.

Walking into the new gym today was daunting. New equipment, new environment. I didn’t know where to start, how to use any of the equipment and my mind set was absolute shit. I would have much rather been laying in bed or sitting on the couch watching TV. I knew that by joining this new gym it was for the better, it would better me and help my mental state and help me become more fit.

I remember how good I used to feel when I went to the gym on a regular basis and when I started seeing a change within my body and muscles. I just want that back again but I know it’s going to take a lot of patience, training and time. When I did my workout today it just felt pathetic, like it was no use and that it was all pointless. It felt like that no matter how hard I try or try and set my mind to go to the gym 3 times a week that I am just setting myself up for failure. I feel that I’ll never get that body I have been dreaming of and that working out is always going to be such an effort for me and super painful. I can’t even remember how I got through this pain, lack of motivation and bad mind set when I first ever joined the gym.

I honestly feel like I achieved nothing at the gym today. Like I got no benefit from it. I know it’s only the first day back at gym after months of not going but I feel like giving up on it already.



Morals & Standards

Not all of us in this world have morals and/or standards. Some of us don’t care where we end up in life or what we do. Some of us don’t care about the people around us or the ones we love. Some of us are too caught up in our own lives they don’t realise what is standing right in front of them. Some of us don’t care what we look like, how we dress, how we act of even how we treat the ones we love or the people around us.

Not all of us are like what I stated above. Some of us actually have morals and/or standards, self respect. Some of us actually care about the ones around us and what we look like, how we dress and how we act.

Mid last year I started making some silly and unhealthy choices and at the time it might have seemed that I had no morals or self respect but when I sit and think about it I still did. Deep down they were still there – I’ve only really found them again in these last few months. It’s only been in these last 3 months that I stopped doing what I was doing mid last year. What made me stop you may ask, honestly it was the realisation that hit me, that what I was doing was disgusting and wasn’t the person I am or wanted to be. I had no help with stopping it or breaking the habit but I did it. I must say it was hard, very hard but I am so proud I decided to stop.

I’ve had people tell me that because I self harm/self harmed that I have/had no self respect. That I won’t be able to cope on my own if that’s what I resort to when things get tough. I haven’t done it in ages and no one helped me get through but me, no one made me stop but me. It was all up to me. I don’t understand how people can even think that someone who self harms or has self harmed has no self respect and are incapable of coping on their own.

I’m tired of being told that I have no morals or standards or being asked if I do because of some of the choices I make in my life. I care so much about the people I love and the people around me that’s why I am always trying to please them, make sure they are okay and are worried about what they make think of me or feel about things I do.

I have morals and lots of them, I have self respect and lots of it also. I know what is right and what is wrong. I don’t have to justify my life to anyone or my decisions. This year it’s all going to change. I am going to prove to everyone that I take my life seriously, that I have morals and standards and that I am done with people using me or playing me. I am going to take charge and change my life for the better. I’m going to find that motivation to go back to the gym and get fit again, find motivation to save money, get a second job and make the most of my days off.




I’m sick and tired of people using me when I’m vulnerable. Just because I have scars on my arms doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the best.

There are so many people I have come across in my life that see I have scars and just take my weakness as their strength. Call me names, ask questions about them, look at me differently all because of them. 

The people who use and abuse people when they are vulnerable or at their worst are just low. It’s not fair. Before getting involved with someone get your own shit sorted from past relationships so you don’t bring it into the new one. Using that shit on a vulnerable person doesn’t help them, just pushes them further away. Give people who are vulnerable a chance, give them a chance to talk, express how they feel or what they are thinking. Give them a break. 

This year I have met quite a few people who i thought would be different to the others I’ve come across. They would tell me – “I’m different to the others, I won’t treat you like that, you deserve better” ect – sadly none of them met that expectation. They just proved to me that they were exactly like everyone else who said these things – people who don’t care, are only curious, only want one thing and are full of themselves. Half of the people I’ve associated with this year say they care and want to listen to what’s on my mind so I start to tell them and then they make some lame excuse so they don’t have to listen to me anymore. I very rarely speak about how I feel or my thoughts but when I do no one seems to stick around. 

I crave that person who I can call mine, who will listen and not leave. If only people had a heart, if only people cared and honestly cared. No one ever thinks before they speak or before they act. No one ever seems to give a shit when I might be vulnerable they just use and abuse it.

For once in your life can you all just give a shit about people. Think before you act or speak, don’t just think about yourself. 


So Magical

December is such an exciting time of year for some people. Family get togethers, family vacations, presents, Santa, Christmas carols, candy canes, Christmas movies, Christmas lights and so much more. For some, December can also be a very stressful, depressing time of year as it’s when most of our yearly income goes down the drain and some people may not have all their family around them for Christmas Day around them.

Do you ever remember being  a child and you counted the sleeps until Santa came? Do you remember writing up your Christmas list and telling your parents how excited you were for Santa to come? Do you remember when your parents would tell you on Christmas Eve that if you didn’t go to bed early or get to sleep that Santa wouldn’t come?

All these things are just so magical, I remember as a child every Christmas eve I would sit down and write a letter to Santa and his reindeers. I would then leave out a carrot, some milk and cookies for Santa and his reindeers. I’d then wake up in the morning and all the food and drinks would be gone and so would my letter. I can’t even remember how I felt when I saw that Santa had taken my letter. The excitement I got when my mum, sister and myself all sat around the Christmas tree waiting patiently to open all our gifts from Santa. Mum would tell us to go through our stockings first to see what Santa had left inside. She would then read out the presents and who they were to and if they were from her or Santa. The excitement I would feel when I opened my presents and saw what Santa had bought me was so magical. The whole Christmas spirit and concept was so magical and happy. Not only would Santa leave us gifts but he would also leave us a trail of reindeer hoof prints or some of his magic dust to some of our gifts.

Since growing up I have become quite a GRINCH when it comes to Christmas. I don’t like Christmas carols, Christmas cards, setting up the Christmas tree or really seeing everyone for a family gathering on Christmas day. But this year it feels different. I am overly excited, been watching Christmas movies, been singing to Christmas carols and much more. I’ve been counting down the days till Christmas this year and I am so so excited if I haven’t stated that already. Deep down I know there is a Santa out there. Christmas is so magical and it would be nothing without Santa and his reindeers.

I wish everyone a safe and Merry Christmas and New Year..


There will never be silence…

Have you ever gone from being in one mood to the next within the matter of minutes or even seconds? Have you ever felt that you are living two separate lives, the one you live around your friends, family and co-workers and then the one you live when you are alone in your room at 2am in the morning? Have you ever felt emotions so strongly that you didn’t know how to deal with them or express them? Have you ever felt like there is something different about you, like sometimes you are someone different, not you?

Those are just some of the things you may feel if you suffer from BPD also known as Borderline Personality Disorder. My whole life I have always thought there has been something different about me. I can’t remember when I started feeling this way but I know it was when I hit my teenage years, especially around 16 or 17. I can’t pinpoint what it is that feels different but I know there is something. I feel emotions very strongly and often can’t sort out my feelings or emotions.

For years I saw Psychologists, Doctors, Mental Health nurses and still they diagnosed me with things that never helped me understand why I felt this certain way or experienced these things. It wasn’t up until about a year ago that I had an appointment with another Mental Health nurse who within an hour of talking to him he could pull out a number of things that was going on for me and Borderline Personality Disorder was on of them. I remember when he said this I just broke down in tears because everything that he was explaining made sense to me, I understood everything he was saying and it sounded like me. I remember after that appointment I felt a little bit of relief but also embarrassed and disgust that that is what I had. I remember telling me therapist at the time about what this man had said and my therapist said “Yes, I have thought that for quite some time.” That just angered me because for nearly 3 years I had been seeing her and not once had she mentioned this to me.

Since then I have gotten a new therapist and we are working on things slowly. I am very embarrassed to tell her about this because  I find it hard to accept it myself. How can you tell someone that you love kids things, kids shows, kids toys or kids movies? This is only one of the things that makes me feel different to any other 20year old out there. There will be times where I feel like a mature 20 year old woman with the world in her arms and I can do anything and then there are other times where I just feel so small, little and like I want to curl up in bed and watch Disney movies all day and snuggle up to stuffies and play with kids toys.. I am so ashamed even writing this because I have never let this out before, I have kept it inside for so long.

Its only been recently that a few people have been saying to me that I go through phases saying I like this or that and then all of a sudden in changes and I’m not into any of it anymore. They say I am weird or its crazy. This behaviour, my emotions and feelings may be hard for others to understand and even maybe how I say things or explain things may be hard for others to understand as well but its also a constant daily battle for me also. I am constantly trying to calm my mind, trying to control myself in certain situations and trying to calm my mind when things get too overwhelming. Does anyone else find going to the shops extremely overwhelming or too much to handle – and I’m not just talking about around Christmas time either. I mean all the time, like if I walk into a shop and there is so much to look at or buy, my mind goes crazy and I can’t seem to calm down unless I walk out of the shop and only sometimes that works.

Have you ever felt that no matter what emotion you feel whether its good or bad, its all too overwhelming? For me I feel there is no in between, I am either super low or super high. There are the rare occasions where I feel absolutely nothing and just feel flat. I feel that no one understands me or this disorder and whenever I mention something about how I feel or think I get judged or belittled for it. There will never be silence for me, my head will always keep going and I have no way of stopping it.


Stay Strong



Living with physical scars

Everyone has scars, whether they are emotional or physical. We all live with scars. I feel that sometimes the physical ones are the hardest to live with.

I never thought that I would be living with physical scars that are from self infliction. I have tried and tried to accept my scars and use them as a strength, as a uniqueness. But I just cant. There are days where I am proud of how far I have come, I don’t let them bother me but then there are days when they just make me feel so so bad, so pathetic, so weak, so ugly, like a failure.

I had this goal on how I wanted to look and I have just ruined all of it by scarring my body. I look at other girls and their bodies and they have no one noticeable scar, I envy them because they can look good in swimmers, shorts and they can show off their bodies without a worry in the world. I can’t even put on swimmers without worrying about how ugly my scars look. How my thighs stand out so much because of my scars, when the weather changes, my scars change too and I absolutely hate it. It’s a constant battle between wanting to get rid of my scars and keeping them.

I sometimes feel that no one is going to want me or love me with scars when they can get such a gorgeous girl without physical scars. I hate when I have to edit photos to hide my identity by getting rid of my scars and tattoos. I love the way I look in edited photos without my hip tattoo and without my scars.. If only I looked like that in real life.

I honestly can’t seem to forgive myself for what I have done to myself. I want to but there is something stopping me. I just want to feel beautiful with my scars and no worry about them anymore. I don’t want them to stop me from feeling beautiful. Everyone deserves to feel on top of the world and to feel beautiful.

Stay Strong xo


Losing a pet.

During my life I’ve lost a few pets. Fish, Chickens and Birds but nothing can compare to the feeling of losing a dog. When you’ve had a dog since you were 3 years old and they were your everything. When you and her went on adventures together, hugged each other in storms and when she would comfort you when you were upset or angry. It obviously breaks your heart when it’s their time to go.

The feeling of losing a dog you’ve had for 17years and been through thick and thin with just turns your world upside down. 2years ago today I sadly lost my very first dog, her name was Pepper, she was a Border Collie. She had the most happiest life, loved adventures, walks, water, playing fetch and going on holidays to the creek, oh and she loved Corn Chips. I remember taking her to the bush one year during Easter for a holiday and she used to chase cows and chased a DONKEY. She loved swimming in the creek and just sitting around the fire at night with us. She was such a happy dog and was always in good spirits so when her spirits started going down it was hard to see her not as happy or healthy.

Over the last few years before you passed I saw you getting weaker and not as lively which killed me but you were still happy to play. It wasn’t until the last months/year before you passed which was the most upsetting.

I first noticed your fur going grey around your mouth and eyes, then noticed your eyes going cloudy and you found it hard to navigate around. Your hearing then started to go as well as your bladder and it just got worse from there. Those last few months that you were still here baby you struggled, you were in so much pain and all I wanted to do was help you and take away all that pain. I was so worried that I would get home from school or work and you would already be gone without a goodbye.

The day you left us was one of the hardest days I’ve had to deal with. Watching you leave us was even harder but I was staying with you until your last breath. I remember laying next to you holding your head and telling you how much I love you and how much I would miss you as you took your last breaths. I felt and heard you leave this earth and I couldn’t stop crying. I cried for days after honey and even now there are times I still cry. I love and miss you so much sweetheart, I love you just as much as I did when you were still here with us. I wish I could bring you back just for a day. I know you are better where you are now.

Honestly, I cannot put into words how I feel about you being gone or how I felt when this happened. ❤







When one gets tattoos it usually makes them feel sexier, happier, more confident. For me that’s different, it’s not always like this but sometimes it is. I love each and every one of my tattoos and I don’t regret any of them but I sometimes get days where I feel they make me look gross and like I’m not sexy enough – especially the tattoo on my hip.

Does anyone else get like this? Question whether or not their tattoos make them look better or worse?

I often worry that my tattoos aren’t feminine enough, pretty enough, girly enough. I often worry that people aren’t going to like me because of my tattoos, wont allow me to work due to having tattoos.

Tattoos are my way of expressing myself and I wish I didn’t feel this way sometimes. Once I start thinking this way and feeling this way I immediately fall down into this hole where I have zero confidence. I sometimes look at other girls bodies and think, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten a hip tattoo, maybe if I didn’t get one my body would look better than what it does with one.


No More!

For so long I have always tried to see the best in people, the good in people and have faith in them that they are good people. For so long I have given people one too many chances, given them more than what they gave me and opened up myself to being hurt, betrayed and broken by telling them about myself and my past.

For so long I have always trusted that when someone says they will always be there for you that it was true but in reality it’s all false. No one is there for you at early hours of the morning when your demons come out to play, no one is there when there is something wrong and half of the people don’t even give two shits, they are only curious or want gossip. Sometimes family are the only ones you can rely on and trust.

Over the last several months I have come across some pretty shitty people, people who I thought would always be there for me when I needed someone, people who I thought genuinely cared about me and wanted to be friends with me. Once again, I was wrong, I met girls who just wanted to put me down and make me feel as bad as them, girls who were jealous and would make me feel bad about what I did, what I would wear or who I spoke/hung out with. Unfortunately, I also met some very shitty boys who I had way too much hope, faith and trust in. I say boys because boys is all they are, they aren’t men. A man wouldn’t use and abuse girls, they wouldn’t play with girls feelings, they wouldn’t be immature. A man would show a girl how they deserve to be treated, they wouldn’t mess with your feelings and most of all they wouldn’t be immature.

99.9% of the boys I have come across over the last several months have just proved to me that they are all the same. They only want one thing (SEX) and once they get it they want nothing to do with you until the next time they are horny and need pleasuring. Even when they say to you “I’m here for you no matter what okay, what we have is special and I want to help and be someone you can talk to” ALL A BIG FAT LIE…. I met a guy a few months ago who I ended up falling for and he knew how I felt but kept leading me on, he knew some of the things I was going through and said he would always be there for a chat. Well where was he when I was at my lowest at 3am in the morning, where was he when I needed someone to hang out with instead of hurting myself – EXACTLY NOWHERE. Once I let people in and they find out more than just the surface with me they run off and don’t come back.

I give way too much to people, give myself too easily and trust too quickly. I’m sick and tired of people, boys especially treating me like I am stupid. I’m a capable 20year old woman who needs no boy. I am no longer opening myself up to people who don’t deserve it, who don’t fight for me and actually want to get to know me for who I am. If you want to know about me and my past then show me you mean it. I am done with boys, done with finding someone who I can call mine, done with toxic people in my life. I am done fighting for people who don’t even give the time of day to message me or hang out with me. If you want me in your life, step up and fight for me to be in it because I am done… NO MORE!!!!




Many people know how to express themselves physically, emotionally and verbally. Many people have healthy ways of doing this but this is something I struggle with a lot. My whole life I have been the type of person to bottle things up, not let anyone in and to do it on my own. It’s only been over the past couple weeks that I have began to open up and let people in. It hasn’t been easy -that’s all I can say and often I feel that it’s easier when only I know and only I have to deal with it but 99.9% of the time I am wrong.

Often when asked what’s going through my head, what I’m feeling or thinking I just freeze. I know what I want to say but I cannot put it into words. I find music and writing are the only things that help me get out what is inside my head.

Relationships haven’t been my strong point in my life. I’ve never had a serious relationship and my longest relationship was just under 7 months. All of my relationships have been abusive in some form or another so I have never experienced a positive, long lasting serious relationship. I hope one day I get to experience a positive, long lasting relationship.

My head is constantly racing which makes it 10x harder to express myself. There are often times where writing doesn’t even help me release what is going on inside me. I often get to a point where I just give up on trying to express my thoughts and feelings. I feel that sometimes it’s easier for me to keep it to myself.

Even writing this post is extremely hard for me because I am trying to find the right words to put into sentences that makes sense about what is going on in my head. I just want to be able to say it out loud how I feel and my thoughts. I hope one day I can do it because I can’t write it for the rest of my life..