Different Ideas About Love

How? How can someone  move on so quickly after being with someone for so long?

I often question: Were you really in it for the  long run? Did you ever put your whole heart and soul on the line for the relationship? Did you really give it your all? Was I really ever good enough? Did you ever want us to last? Did you ever see a future together? If you never really felt a connection then why didn’t you tell me?

Maybe if I wore makeup more often I would’ve been liked more. Maybe if I changed my beliefs and wants things would’ve worked out. Maybe if I dressed the way you wanted or given you what you always wanted then you would’ve stuck around longer.

I put my whole heart and soul on the line, I put every breath and ounce of energy into the relationship. I loved very hard. Don’t try and be someone you aren’t, just to impress others, it will eventually catch up to you. All of this will eventually catch up to you- may not be tomorrow, or even next week, but it will.

I honestly thought I couldn’t get any stronger than what I was but honestly- you don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. All I ever wanted was for you to communicate with me, tell me things – was that too much to ask? I am not ashamed or scared of telling people the truth as to why we broke up, it was easily preventable but clearly you just no longer wanted it to work. I’m sorry if I didn’t make you happy. One person can only take so much hurt, bullshit and upset before they leave for good. I’ve put up this wall. I’m guarding myself from ever being hurt again like I have been. Why would I want to let you in to my life or heart if all you’re going to do is crush it?

“We weren’t going to be together forever” – what kind of mindset is that to have when going into a relationship? – was this just temporary to you? I can already tell what the answers would be – but I honestly can’t help but still have questions, confusion and anger. No one can blame me, right?

The stress my body has endured these last 3 weeks is finally taking its toll. It’s not pleasant – that’s all I can say. Knowing you don’t feel an ounce of guilt angers me, just finding who you can, who doesn’t want commitment- or so you hope. You had something and someone who wasn’t going to give up on you, who was there for the long run, who loved everything about you – even your imperfections/flaws. Someone who was willing to work through everything, every issue faced. But you wanted to throw that all away.

I told you everything about me. My strengths, my weaknesses, my mental illnesses, my past. I gave you links to read and videos to watch to help you understand me better, understand my illnesses better but you just didn’t want to. I AM NOT BIPOLAR, I AM NOT TOO EMOTIONAL, I DONT SHUT PEOPLE OUT FOR NO REASON. I get this feeling that I was only ever good enough for one thing & it clearly wasn’t committment. When I commit to something or someone – I DON’T GIVE UP! Thanks to you, I am now scared to ever get into another relationship, in the fear of them being too curious about other girls to stay with me, to find out something because of my gut instinct instead of your partner telling you the truth, having that fear of not being good enough, not being listened to, respected.

When you first mentioned Tinder I had a bad feeling about it, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I trusted you. I should have just gone with my gut instinct and ended it then and there but I loved you. You sacrifice things for the one you love and you do crazy shit for the one you love but I guess you wouldn’t really understand. You don’t break someone you love. “Oh but I didn’t mean to.” Oh honey – you never did.

“She did all she could to stay. SO when she leaves, when she’s reached her breaking point, she’ll be done for good – she’ll never come back.”

I will never regret our relationship or ever wish we never met. Our relationship taught me what I want for my future and what I don’t want. It has taught me many things, helped me grow as a person and made me much much stronger.

I guess we had different ideas about what love meant….

xoWoundsHeal

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