Adenomyosis Diagnosis

“Adenomyosis is a condition of the uterus (womb), where the tissue that grows on the lining of the uterus (also known as the endometrium) is also present on the inside muscular wall of the uterus.”

It’s been said that Adenomyosis only occurs after one has had a child and occurs in women between the ages of 40 & 50 years old. This is false. I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis at the age of 22 and have never had a child.

Being diagnosed with Adenomyosis was hard to swallow. The fact that I already had Endometriosis was enough for my body and me to handle – and then the word Adenomyosis got thrown around. I should have felt relief with finally having more answers but instead I felt down, scared & angry. I felt down because I knew that once again there was no cure. I felt scared because I’ve read that Adeno is the leading cause to miscarriages and infertility. The anger was towards my body, towards mother nature. I feel betrayed by my own body – it’s like my body is giving up on me or making me suffer for something I may have done wrong in the past. Anger towards my Gynaecologist for saying ” As long as you have kids by the time you’re 35, you’ll be fine,” when you mention your concerns about fertility.

Endo & Adeno has had a big affect on my mental health. Being in constant pain every day makes you angry, makes you snappy, makes you moody. You don’t mean to push people away by being angry or moody but it’s the easiest way to deal with your pain and coping with this disease. You just want to isolate yourself so no one else has to deal with you complaining about the pain you’re in, the snapping or moodiness. It’s the constant tossing up between getting surgery to remove it but knowing if they do surgery it will ruin your womb or to just live with the pain the best way you can without losing friends in the meantime.

These diseases don’t only affect you phsycially or mentally but if affects your social life. Wanting to hang out with friends or family and go out and do things but having to cancel because you mentally or physically cannot deal with it or are in too much pain. It takes a toll on your friendships. Trying to stay fit and healthy is another thing I struggle with. Wanting to workout but your body can’t handle the ab workouts and even sometimes the most simple workout such as walking is a struggle.

What confuses me the most and something I still don’t have answers for is the spot bleeding! I’ve been spot bleeding for about 2 weeks now and I don’t know why. I haven’t skipped a pill or recently started the pill so I don’t know what’s going on. I shouldn’t have to wear a pad nearly everyday because of spot bleeding. I shouldn’t have to worry about what to eat incase I bloat or feel sick afterwards. I shouldn’t have to worry about what to wear in the fear of my BLOATED stomach showing. The endo belly/bloating definately has impact on your self esteem.

I can’t even remeber a time when I wasn’t in pain, when I didn’t bloat from everything I ate. I am constantly learning and as a Endo and Adneo sufferer, you can never have too much information or support. I am currently in the process of being tested for an Auto Immune disease and also attending a Gastroenterologist. I will keep you all updated.

Stay Strong

 

xoWOUNDSHEALxo

 

Living with ENDOMETRIOSIS

Endometriosis is a disorder in which the tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus. – That’s the easy way to explain it.

Living it is a whole different story.

It’s the constant cramping, bloating, back pain, leg pain, sore breasts, unpleasent discharge, fatigue, weakness. The cramping can get crippling, curled over in pain crippling. It’s like someone has a handful of razors, constantly punching you with them, excruciating pain, pain that literally takes your breath away.

You get pregnancy symptoms yet you aren’t pregnant. Pregnancy is the one thing that may never be possible for you – and you fear it. The bloating is phsyically painful, rock hard stomach. No matter what you eat, your body hates it. It’s the foods you would think wouldn’t do it – meat, egg, fruit, salad, certain sugars. All make me bloat! It even got to the point that even SOY milk was doing it. Don’t think there is one food that doesn’t do it.

It’s the every day things that affects you the most. Certain exercises, laying on your stomach, even laying on your back and breathing in hurts, lifting boxes at work, leaning your torso/stomach against a bench and even going to the toilet hurts. The fatigue hits you hard, you could sleep for 12+ hours yet be exhausted. It’s the weakness within your body, it’s the skin breakouts, the spot bleeding for weeks on end.

When your gyno says to you – “Have your period every 6 months instead of every month, it’ll help”, – currently on your 2nd period since March and it’s no better than it was before surgery. You lose so much blood that you become anemic. It’s bleeding through a tampon within an hour or two (can only wear a tampon during the first day) – it’s excruciating to wear them any other day,  it’s passing big clots reguarly, it’s the pain when opening your bladder and bowels, the headaches. Some days are better than others, you just don’t want to go through this anymore, you want it all to end. The pain, bloating, discomfort – everything.

Your gyno says to you, let’s see how you go with having your period every 6 months and if there is no improvement then lets try the Lupron/Depo Shot. These are monthly hormonal injections that are supposed to help with Endometriosis. Sadly, there are many side effects and in the end they may never work – hair loss, weight gain, infertility, Scoliosis, loss of bone mass density, going mental (pyscotic), – I personally can’t see the benefits from these shots at all and wouldn’t even try them- the cons outweigh the pros at the moment.

You’re constantly taking tablets to help with bloating, painkillers to ease the cramping and headaches. It just never seems to stop. For years you struggled with painful periods & then other symptoms began to happen – everyone said it was normal. Doctors said – You’re lactose intolerant, you’re gluten intolerant, you have Inflammatory Pelvic Disease, just take painkillers – It’s just your period, it’s just PMS.

You have test after test, scan after scan just to see if you have it and every test and scan comes back clear- so you get dismissed – it’s all in your head. After persistance, you get booked in for surgery to find out if you have it. They open you up and they find it everywhere  ~ all across your Pelvis, Bladder, Bowel, Cervix, so much of it. It wasn’t just in your head!!! Before surgery it got pretty bad. The endo on your bladder caused accidents – constantly needing to pass urine and never actually making it to the bathroom on time, holding on was impossible.

This disease should not be glorified. It’s serious and it needs more awareness and treatment options available. It’s a living hell for those who have to live it everyday.

Stay Strong

xoWOUNDSHEAL96

Different Ideas About Love

How? How can someone  move on so quickly after being with someone for so long?

I often question: Were you really in it for the  long run? Did you ever put your whole heart and soul on the line for the relationship? Did you really give it your all? Was I really ever good enough? Did you ever want us to last? Did you ever see a future together? If you never really felt a connection then why didn’t you tell me?

Maybe if I wore makeup more often I would’ve been liked more. Maybe if I changed my beliefs and wants things would’ve worked out. Maybe if I dressed the way you wanted or given you what you always wanted then you would’ve stuck around longer.

I put my whole heart and soul on the line, I put every breath and ounce of energy into the relationship. I loved very hard. Don’t try and be someone you aren’t, just to impress others, it will eventually catch up to you. All of this will eventually catch up to you- may not be tomorrow, or even next week, but it will.

I honestly thought I couldn’t get any stronger than what I was but honestly- you don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. All I ever wanted was for you to communicate with me, tell me things – was that too much to ask? I am not ashamed or scared of telling people the truth as to why we broke up, it was easily preventable but clearly you just no longer wanted it to work. I’m sorry if I didn’t make you happy. One person can only take so much hurt, bullshit and upset before they leave for good. I’ve put up this wall. I’m guarding myself from ever being hurt again like I have been. Why would I want to let you in to my life or heart if all you’re going to do is crush it?

“We weren’t going to be together forever” – what kind of mindset is that to have when going into a relationship? – was this just temporary to you? I can already tell what the answers would be – but I honestly can’t help but still have questions, confusion and anger. No one can blame me, right?

The stress my body has endured these last 3 weeks is finally taking its toll. It’s not pleasant – that’s all I can say. Knowing you don’t feel an ounce of guilt angers me, just finding who you can, who doesn’t want commitment- or so you hope. You had something and someone who wasn’t going to give up on you, who was there for the long run, who loved everything about you – even your imperfections/flaws. Someone who was willing to work through everything, every issue faced. But you wanted to throw that all away.

I told you everything about me. My strengths, my weaknesses, my mental illnesses, my past. I gave you links to read and videos to watch to help you understand me better, understand my illnesses better but you just didn’t want to. I AM NOT BIPOLAR, I AM NOT TOO EMOTIONAL, I DONT SHUT PEOPLE OUT FOR NO REASON. I get this feeling that I was only ever good enough for one thing & it clearly wasn’t committment. When I commit to something or someone – I DON’T GIVE UP! Thanks to you, I am now scared to ever get into another relationship, in the fear of them being too curious about other girls to stay with me, to find out something because of my gut instinct instead of your partner telling you the truth, having that fear of not being good enough, not being listened to, respected.

When you first mentioned Tinder I had a bad feeling about it, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I trusted you. I should have just gone with my gut instinct and ended it then and there but I loved you. You sacrifice things for the one you love and you do crazy shit for the one you love but I guess you wouldn’t really understand. You don’t break someone you love. “Oh but I didn’t mean to.” Oh honey – you never did.

“She did all she could to stay. SO when she leaves, when she’s reached her breaking point, she’ll be done for good – she’ll never come back.”

I will never regret our relationship or ever wish we never met. Our relationship taught me what I want for my future and what I don’t want. It has taught me many things, helped me grow as a person and made me much much stronger.

I guess we had different ideas about what love meant….

xoWoundsHeal

Loving You

The saying goes “If you love somebody, Let them go. If they come back, they’re yours. If not, it was never meant to be.” 

Letting someone you love go is one of the hardest things you might ever have to do. When you put your whole heart into a relationship, hoping you spend years together. Loving every inch of them, the way they smell, watching their mouth when they speak, their voice, watching them sleep, hearing their heartbeat when you rest against their chest, getting into bed with them and instantly falling asleep on their chest because you feel so safe and happy. Absolutely everything. 

Each relationship has flaws, rough patches, arguments happen but you work through it. When you love someone you don’t give up. It’s the little things you remember when you’re no longer with them. The places you went together, movies or shows you watched together, showering together, waking up next to one another, rolling over in the middle of the night and wrapping your arms around them and feeling their arms around you. That’s what you think of. You think of the things you never get to do again. Going to their place, sharing day to day things, telling them how your day was, going to family events, waking up next to each other, hugging them, kissing them, holding them, the smell of their cologne, telling them what they mean to you, how much you love them, just every small detail of them and your relationship. You know you love someone when you would use your broken pieces of your heart to mend theirs. When all you want is them, crave them. You just want to hug them, cry in their arms, tell them how much you love and miss them. You miss them so dearly, It’s like you are lost, every day you’d have a Good Morning and Goodnight message, someone to tell everything to. On your days off you’d spend time with them & if you didn’t hang out, you would talk all day. And then suddenly it’s nothing. 

You dread waking up in the morning because you know you’ll feel exactly the same as you did the day before. You are lost and don’t know what to do with yourself especially when you aren’t working. People say “Each day gets easier,” – Does it? Does it really? When it’s 5 days since breaking up and it feels like it only happened yesterday. You get feelings of “I can conquer the world” “I can do this”, to feeling extremely depressed and alone. When you can’t eat and can barely sleep, – it takes a toll. You try to keep your mind busy, and then for a split second you remember and the anxiety hits you. Whether you’ll ever find someone else, if they really miss you, whether you were ever good enough, what did you do wrong, maybe you should have tried harder, – the thoughts don’t stop. Night time is the worst for it, that’s when you’d spend most of your time together, snuggling up in the Winter keeping each other warm, going over after work and talking about your day or talking about your plans together for the following day. Enjoying each others company, nothing else in the world mattered – just you two together – Happy. 

It’s the memories, photos, videos, gifts. Everything reminds you of them, everything!! Their smell on your sheets, photos on your phone or social media,  songs that remind you of them, – even sleeping in your own bed- knowing you’ll never have them beside you again. That’s the hardest. Knowing that everything you ever did together, they will do with someone else. It’s the thought of hearing or seeing them with someone else that kills. When you never wanted to leave them, you never wanted it to end like this. 

People say, “Don’t focus on the things you’ll miss, focus on the Pro’s of being apart.” There are no pros when you are grieving, when you are missing them so much it hurts. It’s hard when all you want is them but you know in return they don’t want you. How do you move on when they were such a big part of your life for so long? How?

Time heals all wounds – what if you can’t go another day feeling this hurt? 

All you want is to be able to fast forward a couple weeks to when you’re feeling okay. When you can say “I am okay” or “I’m much better”, when you are no longer dreading to wake up and push through the day – faking it!

If you aren’t meant to be with them, then why the HELL does it hurt so much and feel so wrong? Why do you still love them so much? WHY?

When you need things to be okay, you pray. You pray for them to come back to you, to realise they’ve made a mistake, that they actually do need you, that you actually made their life better. You keep holding on, holding on for the little bit of hope that there might be another chance, but you know in the end it’s torturing you more. 

Letting go is so much harder than it seems. The problem is- You don’t want to have to let go. You shouldn’t have to. Surely they still love you, surely this is all just a dream. You’ll wake up tomorrow and it was just a bad nightmare- you’re still together and everything is good – just how it used to be. How will you ever find the courage to love again?

xoWoundsHeal

Slow down!

You know how some people get a buzz or a high from caffeine ?

that’s what it feels like for me right now. My mind is just racing. My whole body feels like it’s on a high, I talk faster, work faster, walk and eat faster etc. I’ve had people ask me if I’ve had a coffee today- my answer is “No” – it’s borderline yet no one understands it or is even willing to try to understand it.

Even though my body is racing and on a high it’s like I don’t have the energy to explain to people how I feel or even how to do certain things at work. All I can say to them is “I’m stressed” that’s the easiest thing for me to say- as it covers a wide variety of emotions.

I feel that my body just gets too worked up or hyped up and I can’t stop, it’s like I need a weight to slow me down.

All I want right now is to be cuddled up on a couch on my comfy PJs watching a movie. Calming my body and mind down, telling myself that whatever is going on for me right now is all going to be ok.

My body and mind feel like a natural disaster has just happened and you have all the aftermath of the disaster to clean up, e.g. walking into a town after a flood- stuff scattered everywhere, not knowing where to start to clean. That’s exactly how my mind and body feels – it all feels scattered and mis placed, messy. It’s like I don’t know how to start cleaning up, start sorting the thoughts or feelings, start to slow everything down.

I then get a fast fluttering feeling in my chest- like high anxiety but also like I need to move and keep moving. When I’m like this it’s like I need to keep moving my body, even if it’s just my fingers or toes.

Other people trigger me even more, cause me to find it harder to slow everything down. It rises my high, makes it worse! Makes everything feel faster, fast paced.

Can someone just hold me down and calm me down, help me learn to breathe again. Be there with me while I’m on my high, help me slow it all down. Even if it’s for a bit. Help me be in the present, acknowledging my surroundings, focusing on the things I can hear, smell, touch, taste and see. Focus on those 5 senses. Bring me back from my high.

And yes, after my high I’ll have a low, I’ll be tired, angry or even anxious. Let me be, but also be with me. Hold me, soothe me, keep me from falling down lower. Keep me present. Once Ive slowed down, maybe just maybe will I be ready to discuss how I feel, maybe even vent. Just let me do it and don’t say anything until I’m done.

XoWoundsHeal

Reach Out ~ SI (Self Injury)

 

TRIGGER WARNING! 

May contain triggering content. Please be cautious when reading if easily triggered.

For the last couple of days I have been trying to collect my thoughts so I could put it all into this blog. It hasn’t been easy, that’s all I can say as this week marks 8 years since I started self harming.  This week has risen many thoughts, feelings and flashbacks and I just needed to release it in a healthy way.

High school years are supposed to be some of the best years of your life/schooling life. Making friends, having fun, going out, learning to drive, just generally enjoying life etc. For me this wasn’t the case, high school was some of my worst years of my life/schooling life. I won’t lie, I had fun, laughs, made friends and enjoyed school but all that suddenly changed when I resorted to Self Harm. There are different types of self harm as some of you may or may not know, cutting was the one that seemed to stick with me. One the loved me too much to leave.

I will never forget the day I made that first mark on my skin. I was alone and desperate. Desperate for a release. I will never remember what put the thought into my head in the first place or when the first inkling of a thought arose in my mind. All I remember is – that it was just there – one second the thought was there and the next I had a sharp object to my wrist. (Honestly didn’t think this blog would be so hard to write.)

The day after I had injured myself for the first time, I remember reaching out to a teacher at school. I didn’t know what else to do, my head was a mess and I just wanted comfort. I promised that I would never hurt myself again, that it was a mistake. 2 weeks later, I relapsed- went from 1 cut to 2-3 cuts. During Year 8 I was bullied and transitioning from primary school to high school was a massive hurdle for me. Most of my friends went to different schools so I was left to make new friends all over again. Maybe that’s what started the thoughts? I wish I could remember. As the years went on, memories came back to me  from my childhood as well as dealing with the present issues/problems. It all got too much, too overwhelming. I can’t remember when the cutting got out of control, I can’t remember what triggered it. What still kills me to this day is that I went from 1-2 cuts to 600+ cuts in such a short amount of time. Covering my legs, arms, stomach – it even got to the point where I ran out of space so I had to find other places to injure. Ankles, hands, underneath boobs, pelvic area- it kills me writing this knowing I let it get so out of control that it took me years to realise I needed help.

I remember in the beginning when I had 1 or 2 cuts that I didn’t care if people saw it, I just wanted someone to ask if I was okay, I wanted someone to just help but I didn’t know how to approach the whole REACHING OUT situation. It’s when the cutting became intense and dangerous that I began to cover up, not let any of it show. I’ll tell you now, wearing long sleeves in 40 degree heat was a killer.

I’ll never forget a girl once said to me that I didn’t cut myself properly, that I had to use a different cutting implement and do it a different way to classify myself as a “cutter”. It cut deep, tore me apart to hear that a so call friend thought like this when I was struggling. When all I needed was support and comfort.

When people started finding out about my self harm I would often get asked ” Does it hurt?’ In the beginning my answer was yes. “Why do you do it to yourself”? In the beginning my answer was ” I don’t know, I need a release.” As time went on it all began to change, I no longer felt the physical pain from self harm – this resulted in deeper cuts which scarred badly, took ages to heal or became in infected. My answer to “Why do you do it to yourself” went from “I need a release” to “I deserve it”. A paper cut would hurt more than ripping my skin open. It was the sight of blood that helped me cope, It was like seeing the blood helped me see that I was still alive. The release was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, like I could breathe easy for a little bit. Finally, I can sleep calmly tonight, my  mind can shut down for a bit. This is how it felt for me, once I opened my skin it felt like all my thoughts were gone for a split second, and it was the split second that kept me coming back to self harm. I just was so desperate for peace and quiet and control. I felt like I couldn’t control any other aspects of my life so I had to try and control my thoughts and feelings for a little bit.

The amount of blood I lost, I honestly don’t know how I’m still here today. I know some of my injuries needed medical attention, I was just too scared to speak up, too scared to end up in hospital – too scared to be called crazy. Losing so much blood that you go light headed, hand goes purple/blue and you’re super pale and weak the next day. Could hardly walk properly because your leg was so weak – I won’t lie – this scared the absolute crap out of me – yet I kept doing it. I was addicted- I never wanted to admit it  but I was. I used to log every time I injured myself, how bad it was and how many cuts. I used to take pictures, cut words and phrases into my legs. I used to have a necklace with cutting implements around it that I would take places so I always had my security blanket with me (that’s what I saw cutting as, a security blanket) I knew that as long as I had my cutting implements with me that I was okay. I would be able to cope (even though self harming wasn’t coping.) I used to self harm during classes at school, lunchtimes and before school. I used to go to the bathroom and just zone out from everything. That was the most dangerous part – zoning out while self injuring – when you come back to, all you see is blood dripping from you and you finally realised what you have done and you frantically do everything you can to stop the bleeding.

I was once told by an Ex that I was possessed because I did that to myself. I had an ex break up with me because of self harm – I hadn’t self harmed while dating him yet he wanted to use my weakness as an excuse to end it with me. I have always been cautious when meeting new people, not knowing whether they’ll like me with scars, what they’ll think of me or if they will stick around. Cutting not only hurt me but it hurt the ones around me as well which was the hardest. I’d need a release and in that moment all I could think about was how good it would feel to relapse, I didn’t think how it would affect the ones around me- that’s half the reason I kept it a secret for so long, so I didn’t have to unintentionally upset/hurt the ones around me.

It’s the urges that make recovery the hardest. I tried going cold turkey once and man that was hell. I had these expectations and when I didn’t meet them I would feel like I failed. People say relapsing is a part of recovery. I wish it wasn’t. I wish it was as easy as baking a cake. Follow instructions and the end result is achieved in no time. These last few weeks/month haven’t been easy with urges. Working two jobs, getting no time to myself, time with boyfriend or with family/pets has affected me more than I thought. Even writing this tonight the urges came and it was an ass to ride the urges out but I did it. On the 28th November it will be 1 year that I’ve been clean for. This time last year it was close to my 1 year clean but I relapsed due to the memories, flashbacks and thoughts and feelings associated with SI and the 1 year anniversary. That is why this year is also hard because I know I relapsed this same time last year due to the same reason.

All I have ever wanted to be was a role model my little sister could look up to. I felt like I failed as being her sister as soon as I started cutting. Never would I want her to go through this- I was so scared and self conscious about her seeing my scars, let alone my cuts. I know there were times where I had self harmed and I reached out to her and told her and we used to lie together in bed – just for comfort and support. I never wanted her to have to deal with that. Never in a million years. If you’re reading this sister – I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I’M SORRY. Same for you MUM< sorry for putting you both through this. I thank you both so much for helping me keep my head above the water – without you both, I wouldn’t be here today xoxo

To this day the scars and the memories behind the scars still remain and I’m okay with that. I can look at some particular scars and know exactly why I did that particular scar. Anyone out there who is struggling with SI or is considering it I AM HERE. Please Please Please – I beg you, not to start SI. It’s not worth it, it consumes your life, your body, your mental, physical and emotional well being as well. It makes life and many other things seem distorted. You don’t want to live with physical scars for the rest of your life. No matter how hard you try and recover and move on from it they will always be in your face reminding you (My biggest struggle still to this day). Self harm is still in the back of my mind when things get tough (just like any addiction- it’ll always be there as a coping mechanism) but I have learnt to release my feelings and thoughts in healthier more productive ways- gym, writing, spending time with family/pets/boyfriend, watching Netflix etc. All I have ever wanted was smooth, scar free skin. Be able to wear shorts without my ugly scars on show for everyone to see. I don’t want to have kids and one day they ask me what they are. I don’t want to tell them I used to cut myself because of how I felt. I don’t want to give them that idea. I don’t want people to look at me and see the scars and be afraid of what to say to me or cautious on how they treat me. I AM STILL HUMAN…

Anyone out there who is on the path to recovery or wants to recover from this illness – I support you and am here with you along the way. 2 1/2 weeks until I am 1 year clean – lets hope I can make it this year. Recovery is possible.

SI isn’t easy, but remember you are not alone. You are loved, worthy and special. I love you, god loves you and a million other people out there that also love you whether you believe it or not. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy – reach out, speak out and ask for help. We are all human and we all need a little help sometimes.

IT’S OK NOT TO BE OK.

 

Take care and stay strong

xoWoundsHeal96

Living with Borderline Personality

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not just all in your head, it’s not just a mind thing. It’s a real disorder that affects how one lives their life.

For years I knew there was something different with me, with my emotions and how I dealt with things. When I felt emotions I felt them very strongly and intensely. I would react in ways others wouldn’t and take things quite personally.  I always had two sides of thinking (Black or White) no in between. When I was happy I was euphoric and when I was sad I was extremely low, so low that I didn’t care what happened to me which caused me to go on a destructive path with boys and sex. That can be a blog for another day.

Some days it affects me more than others to such extent that I can’t get out of bed, get changed or even brush my hair or teeth. There are times I even have to call in sick to work  because I can’t physically or emotionally handle/cope with work. It’s not only the lows that make me mentally and physically exhausted it’s also the highs. It’s switching between the highs and lows so many times in such a short amount of time. It’s feeling incredibly euphoric and insanely excited that drains me and then quickly switching to feeling pathetic, low, suicidal and relapsing that makes you bed ridden and which causes you to then isolate yourself. Some of the good or bad days can result in impulsiveness which then stresses me out even more because I spend money that I shouldn’t spend. It’s just a vicious cycle which is so unpredictable.

I am the type of person who likes to be productive on my days off work. I like being active and getting things done, feeling accomplished so when I switch and have quite bad days I then feel pathetic and low because all I’ve done in my day was binge watch Netflix in bed and only moved from my bed to go to the toilet. Each day I have these expectations I like to meet and things I like to get done so when they aren’t met or the tasks aren’t completed I feel even worse. My therapist has told me to not be so hard on myself and when I have my bad days/times to take it easy, pamper myself and look after myself. I’m still learning and each time I see her she gives me more positive things and strategies to focus on.

I like to see Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness and not who I am.

Last night I spoke to a lady on E-Headspace – if you don’t know what e-headspace is, it is a website for people with depression and anxiety and they also have an online chat room. I was talking to this lady about how I was having a bad day with Borderline and needed some tips on how to find motivation and energy to do things such as getting out of bed. She mentioned to me about trying to get creative and externalise the disorder and to explain what the disorder looks like, e.g. colour, size, shape etc. I had never thought of it like that before. I found externalising it and expressing how the disorder looked to me actually helped me make more sense of it.

I identified the disorder as a “he”. He only has 2 colours, grey and black. He is always with me but when he is black it means he is awake and angry, when he is grey it means he is tired and sleeping. He is mainly in the middle of me or all over me but there are times when he is in the corner of the room watching. I’ve never really been able to identify or express what the disorder looks like or the position of the disorder. Today I have been able to identify that he is behind me, like there is a feeling in my body that he is approaching or wanting to come out. He wants to upset or hurt me today but the problem is I don’t know when or how.

 

If any of you are suffering from this disorder/illness. YOU ARE STRONG. You can get past this and you are worthy of so much.

Stay Strong

xoWoundsHeal96

Coping with Anxiety

Anxiety affects 1.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.

Do you know what it feels like to be feeling good about everything and feeling like you don’t have a care in the world and then out of no where you get a burst of anxiety? The feeling of confusion as to not knowing where the anxiety came from, what triggered it or why you feel that way.

I haven’t really been eating healthy or going to the gym these last 1 1/2 months so my anxiety likes to stress me out or make me think bad things. For example, tonight I was lying on my sisters bed with my sister watching YouTube videos when all of a sudden a burst of anxiety went over me, it lingered for a little bit then disappeared. The anxiety made me worry that I was going to die tonight because I haven’t been eating healthy or going the gym lately which then went into me thinking that I’ll never get to see any of my family or friends ever again. I don’t know what made it disappear/go away but it just did and I went back to feeling good again.

I suffer from anxiety on a day to day basis but over the years I have learnt strategies to cope in situations where my anxiety might be heightened. What I struggle with though is the sudden bursts of anxiety. The anxiety that hits so suddenly, so strongly and you have no idea where it came from, what triggered it or why you are feeling that way. I could be enjoying myself with friends or family, watching a movie or even working and all of a sudden the anxiety overwhelms me and takes over. My thoughts start racing, stomach starts churning, throat goes dry, palms get clammy, heart starts racing and I sometimes get hot flushes. When I feel this way I used to never know how to cope with these feelings, how to calm my body and thoughts, how to settle the mind and relax, unwind.

I’ve read many articles, stories and watched many videos on anxiety and how to cope with the feelings or thoughts of anxiety. I’ve linked some of the websites below that I used when I was first learning and getting grips on understanding anxiety and finding ways to cope with anxiety. Each person is different which means some strategies might work for some and might not work for others. It’s just about finding which strategies work best for you and which ones you are willing to try.

• https://www.psychology.org.au/publications/tip_sheets/anxiety/ 
• https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
• https://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/anxiety

I’ve found some strategies on my own that have helped me with the anxiety. Some of them are pretty simple and then others are more of an effort but they all help me.

• Cuddling a soft toy 
• Cuddling or spending time with pets 
• Taking dogs for a walk 
• Watching a movie or favourite TV show
• Going for a drive where there is a beach or a forest/bush
• Taking a warm shower
• Pampering myself e.g. painting nails, face mask, fake tanning, shaving etc. 
• Using a difuser with an oil which smells relaxing/calming to you
• Touching/playing with objects which you can squish or run your fingers through e.g. fur, blue tack, stress ball, kinetic sand etc. 

These are some of the strategies that I have come across on my own which I found have helped me. There are many apps that you can get for your phone that are also quite helpful. Some of these include:

• Calm
• WorryTime
• Breathe 
• Daylio

I also highly recommend, if you don’t already have one, investing in a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Studies say that the Himalayan Salt Lamp reduces stress, helps relieve anxiety, removes moisture in the air and rids the room of the bad ions and replaces it with the good ions. I never believed any of this and didn’t know how a single lamp could possibly do this or have so many benefits. It was only until I got one for my birthday a few years ago that I could actually recommend it to people and tell them that it actually works. As I said before I have had this lamp for a few years now and I have it on every single night, all night. My room feels more soothing, calming and more of a happy place to be in. I find it’s warm light sends of a relaxing feeling which is really good for anxiety. It’s hard to explain exactly how it feels to have one in my room but you will know what I mean if you have one or if you invest in one.

I know things might seem hard at the moment and the anxiety may get overwhelming but it does get easier with the right help, support and strategies you can overcome anything.

 

Stay Strong

xoWoundsHeal96

Not just a MOODY GIRL!!!

It’s just PMS they say, it’s just a bad day, stop being such a moody girl.

Can you imagine going through a thousand emotions within a matter of minutes?

Experiencing a new mood a hundred times a day?

Waking up each morning wondering how will you treat people today, what emotions you might feel, whether or not you’ll be able to keep it together or not or able to handle work or being around other people.

Will you feel hate towards the people you love today or will you feel love and compassion towards them?

Will the emotions get too much and will you relapse?

The list goes on and on of the numerous things that run through my head before getting out of bed in the morning or even before going to sleep at night. This is more than a bad day, more than a moody girl and more than a girl suffering from PMS. This is reality for me every single day.

I go through a thousand moods, emotions and feelings in one day. Some of these moods can happen within the matter of seconds or minutes which often leaves me feeling isolated and confused. I have no control over when these mood changes happen, how severe they will be and sometimes I don’t even know why they happen. Most times there is a trigger that causes the rapid change but other times it can happen for no apparent reason or I just can’t recognise a trigger.

I’ve been dating a guy for just under a month and throughout that month I have gone through many stages where I’ve considered ending it with him. I can barely hold myself up when I am like this so how can I hold him up or how can anyone be satisfied with me. I don’t know how to deal with this. There are days where I feel I am the only one putting in effort and then there are other days where I physically and emotionally have no energy to put any effort into the relationship. When I feel good I have no bad feeling about my relationship but when I split/change I feel like I just can’t keep doing it. I want to have a long lasting relationship but how can I when I am constantly feeling this way, constantly changing between moods.

Does anyone else cancel plans with friends, family or even partners just so you can avoid feeling strong emotions while with them? Worried that hanging out with them something might happen to trigger you off and then once again you won’t know how to deal with those feelings. It’s easier to shut yourself off from people and stay at home then have to deal with the constant mood changes, constant strong emotions and constant questioning from others. It’s easier when only you have  to deal with it, when you can just push it all aside and watch your favourite Netflix series instead of feeling each emotion you have. When someone says to you ” Do you want to hang today, what do you want to do?” – the most dreaded question.

How is that the most dreaded question you may ask. Well, you don’t know what moods or emotions you’ll feel today, you don’t know how often it will all change. One minute you feel good about catching up and then just like that it all comes crashing down and you don’t even want to hang out or do anything. You just stay at home to prevent anyone else from dealing with this cycle. I often ask myself – is it even a cycle? What is this?

I can read article after article, watch video after video and I still struggle to understand why this happens, why so regularly, how to identify triggers, how to stop it/prevent it from happening. People ask me so many things about this illness that I don’t understand myself. I don’t understand why, how or what so please don’t expect me to be able to explain it all to you. I’m too embarrassed to even tell a doctor about this let alone my own therapist.

 

Keep Fighting

 

xoWoundsHeal96

 

Love _ Hate

Have you ever had a love hate relationship with someone or felt like you have had one?

Have you ever liked someone and then out of nowhere it changes to not wanting to have them around you?

What about this – one day you feel something strong towards someone and then the next day you don’t. You feel nothing towards them, no love, no hate, just pure nothingness. It’s even a bit like you don’t even know them, they are just a stranger to you. Someone who you used to know.

Not too long ago I was scrolling through Facebook and stumbled across a quote in which I fell in love with immediately. It explains relationships for me so clearly, not only romantic relationships but also friendships.

” I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m not sure if I’m capable of truly loving someone the way emotionally healthy people do. I eventually outgrow the love I feel towards someone and move on.”

This particular quote focuses on romantic relationships rather than day to day friendships you may make at work, school or uni etc. I’ve always seemed to struggle with maintaining friendships/relationships well long lasting ones anyway. All of my romantic relationships only lasted a few weeks to a few months, nothing more. I was either cheated on, used and abused or I just got too much.

What I don’t understand is that I feel so strongly. No matter what emotion or feeling I get I feel it so intensely it can be overwhelming. I don’t understand how one day I can say to someone I think I’m falling for you and mean every word and feeling of it and then the next day just completely feel the opposite. Feel like I have no connection to them what so ever. How can one person feel so many emotions in such a short time and why so intensely?

These last few days I have noticed I have been quite angry/agitated. I don’t know why or what causes it. Feeling so angry/agitated just makes me annoyed at every person I come across, whether it’s customers at work, randoms walking down the street or even friends. I try so hard to make sense of it all but it’s just a waste.

Does anyone go from wanting to be in a long term relationship with the person they are with to wanting to be single again?

I feel like being single will always be a better option for me. No one to have to explain myself to but most of all no one will have to deal with this side of me. The constant mood changes/splits, the constant LOVE/HATE relationship I feel, the constant outbursts of anger in which I have no idea what triggered it. The constant urges to self harm and not care what happens to me, the constant self hate of what I’ve done in the past, how I treated myself and how I saw myself.

No one really seems to understand that I am a handful. That I am difficult to understand. That I struggle to express, struggle to trust, struggle to love. I just wish people put in more of an effort to really understand and know me instead of assuming or getting angry at me.

Tonight I sat and had a little cry to my family about the relationship I am in and how much BPD is affecting how I feel towards it. People just don’t seem to understand that it’s not them that is causing this, it’s not their actions, what they might or might not be doing, if they have said or done something wrong. It’s a mental illness which is very complex and hard to understand. I’m still learning about it even though I live with it every day.

All I want is a bit of stability in my life. A little bit of control around my emotions and feelings.

xoWoundsHeal96